This (among many things) has been on my mind. I've needed to stop and get these thoughts out while asking for guidance.
One thing that becomes very clear is the fact that we as Christians only have one enemy: the prince of this world, Lucifer himself; but it amazes how craftily he works through humans. I have directed more hate into the air instead of allowing God's righteousness to reveal itself.
So this post is really about me reading God's word. I'm looking in the concordance under 'enemy.'
Not that it matters, but I'm reading from a KJV at my desk and copy/pasting from NLT website.
Psalm 23:5
You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
Psalm 119:98
Your commands make me wiser than my enemies,
for they are my constant guide.
Proverbs 16:7
When people's lives please the LORD,
even their enemies are at peace with them.
Proverbs 25:21,22
If your enemies are hungry, give them food to eat.
If they are thirsty, give them water to drink.
You will heap burning coals of shame on their heads,
and the LORD will reward you.
Exodus 23:4
If you come upon your enemy's ox or donkey that has strayed away, take it back to its owner.
Matthew 5:44
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which spitefully use you, and persecute you;
Romans 5:10
For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, mu more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life.
Romans 12:19-21
(vs. 19 & 20 quote old testament)
Be not overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good.
Philippians 3:18,19
For I have told you often before, and I say it again with tears in my eyes, that there are many whose conduct shows they are really enemies of the cross of Christ. They are headed for destruction. Their god is their appetite, they brag about shameful things, and they think only about this life here on earth.
2 Thessalonians 3:14,15
Take note of those who refuse to obey what we say in this letter. Stay away from them so they will be ashamed. Don't think of them as enemies, but warn them as you would a brother or sister.
James 4:4
You adulterers! Don't you realize that friendship with the world makes you an enemy of God? I say it again: If you want to be a friend of the world, you make yourself an enemy of God.
Wow... some of this stepped on my toes, which is ALWAYS a good thing. A repentant heart never hurt anyone. (2 Corinthians 7:13)
Lord,
Thank you. To list all that You have given me would extend to tomorrow as well as the maximum character allowance.I am grouchy. I am negative. I am sad... but like Steph said, IAM.
In Jesus name,
Amen
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
I quit counting.
I made a call out on the FB today for some bloggy action. More specifically, hunting a single mother author with some inspiration entwined with her writing. Another need rearing its head. I was urged to write my own.
Ugh... not that I don't want to. I'm just lazy and wanted to read someone else's words instead of coming up with my own. After much debate today... and some prayer, I found myself on this "journal." I was a little embarrassed to share. Do I unshield myself and the few tear stained entries? I started this actual blog roughly 7 weeks ago, but I owe it to my PNP for introducing me to blogger 2 years ago. We wrote about roller derby together. ;)
Well, Im typing now, so maybe it will be ok. Maybe, I am learning to rely on Him in more areas than what I allow Him to help me with. I think its funny how I still try to put limits on God.
Well, if I'm the author that I was looking for, then lets get to it!
I've had the story of Dinah on the brain. Genesis 34 (I liked this reference because it comes with a commentary)
2 things stick out the most for me as a single woman:
1) Society (other than Dinah's family) thought it ok to rape women.
2) The man who raped her then wanted her as wife and "loved her" for what she could do for him.
I'm pretty much done with what society thinks is ok for me as a single mother and woman in general. Please excuse the vulgarities, but this was my reply to a man asking me to hook up just today: "i know the 'thing' to do is fuck everyone under the sun... or moon most times, especially after u find yourself out of the committed relationship u struggled to keep together, but i just dont seem to fit that trend"
Yeah, so me and the would be man of the house split. So that makes me the next available piece of meat in the market??? Ummmm nooooooo. And frankly, I'm just about sick of gaining a man's interest because of what I can do for him.
Which of course, leads me to #2.
I have had this so backwards!! I have NOTHING to offer God. Nothing. I can't sing, write, act, give, work, pray, or even love my way into heaven or a relationship with God. He picked me NOT because of what I can do for Him but because of what He did for me. What He can do for me now and what He will do for me eternally.
Yeah, it would be totally awesome to have a guy that rubs my feet or back, takes me to dinner or at least helps me cook, does dishes, takes out the trash, helps me with the kids in ANY way, even with scotch tape! (funny allusion to a friend's story on FB) Hell, it would be nice to have a guy that answers the phone when I call... or better, returns phone calls! It might even be kewl to get invited to hang out and bbq or be acknowledged as a human being period. But if its a false, fake something of an act, then its not worth it.
Lord,
You know best of all what the past few weeks have been like for me. When work, home, matters of the heart, then some physical ailment beats down, emptying your patience and meekness bank account, you find yourself laid out on the pavement licking old emotional wounds. I quickly forget You are the best remedy. Thank You for never running out of patience and grace with me. Thank You for trusting me to be a single mother and carrying me through this road when all I saw was uncharted forest. Bless all eyes that fall on these words. Open hearts to You in a mighty way. I'm not sure if this is exactly the content I was searching, but I know for sure it is the comfort. Thank You always for that... a peace that surpasses all understanding.
In Jesus name,
Amen.
Ugh... not that I don't want to. I'm just lazy and wanted to read someone else's words instead of coming up with my own. After much debate today... and some prayer, I found myself on this "journal." I was a little embarrassed to share. Do I unshield myself and the few tear stained entries? I started this actual blog roughly 7 weeks ago, but I owe it to my PNP for introducing me to blogger 2 years ago. We wrote about roller derby together. ;)
Well, Im typing now, so maybe it will be ok. Maybe, I am learning to rely on Him in more areas than what I allow Him to help me with. I think its funny how I still try to put limits on God.
Well, if I'm the author that I was looking for, then lets get to it!
I've had the story of Dinah on the brain. Genesis 34 (I liked this reference because it comes with a commentary)
2 things stick out the most for me as a single woman:
1) Society (other than Dinah's family) thought it ok to rape women.
2) The man who raped her then wanted her as wife and "loved her" for what she could do for him.
I'm pretty much done with what society thinks is ok for me as a single mother and woman in general. Please excuse the vulgarities, but this was my reply to a man asking me to hook up just today: "i know the 'thing' to do is fuck everyone under the sun... or moon most times, especially after u find yourself out of the committed relationship u struggled to keep together, but i just dont seem to fit that trend"
Yeah, so me and the would be man of the house split. So that makes me the next available piece of meat in the market??? Ummmm nooooooo. And frankly, I'm just about sick of gaining a man's interest because of what I can do for him.
Which of course, leads me to #2.
I have had this so backwards!! I have NOTHING to offer God. Nothing. I can't sing, write, act, give, work, pray, or even love my way into heaven or a relationship with God. He picked me NOT because of what I can do for Him but because of what He did for me. What He can do for me now and what He will do for me eternally.
Yeah, it would be totally awesome to have a guy that rubs my feet or back, takes me to dinner or at least helps me cook, does dishes, takes out the trash, helps me with the kids in ANY way, even with scotch tape! (funny allusion to a friend's story on FB) Hell, it would be nice to have a guy that answers the phone when I call... or better, returns phone calls! It might even be kewl to get invited to hang out and bbq or be acknowledged as a human being period. But if its a false, fake something of an act, then its not worth it.
Lord,
You know best of all what the past few weeks have been like for me. When work, home, matters of the heart, then some physical ailment beats down, emptying your patience and meekness bank account, you find yourself laid out on the pavement licking old emotional wounds. I quickly forget You are the best remedy. Thank You for never running out of patience and grace with me. Thank You for trusting me to be a single mother and carrying me through this road when all I saw was uncharted forest. Bless all eyes that fall on these words. Open hearts to You in a mighty way. I'm not sure if this is exactly the content I was searching, but I know for sure it is the comfort. Thank You always for that... a peace that surpasses all understanding.
In Jesus name,
Amen.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Day 19
Wow. I'm tired. There have been sooooooooooo many things going on in my life. The proverbial poop has hit the fan, and its flinging into all parts of my life. And the one person that stays constant on my mind is him.
Again, the dualism.
I want him to hold me and tell me all will be well soon.
Then the other part of my wakes up, slaps the crap outta my other self, and tells me, "hello, do we quickly forget how much of a cowardly lion he is?"
Lord,
I need some fuel. Thank you for giving me another day, and thank you for being there as these trials line my door step. I will make it through this because You are carrying me through it. You are the one holding me, saying all will be well. Thank you for Your grace, mercy and forgiveness. I'm still beating myself up for a few things, even when I know better. Help me to let go. Help me find courage in my life and continue to stand for those who cannot. You have called me to a greater purpose... Help me to not turn from the work that needs to be done.
Thank you for all, and in Jesus name,
Amen!
Again, the dualism.
I want him to hold me and tell me all will be well soon.
Then the other part of my wakes up, slaps the crap outta my other self, and tells me, "hello, do we quickly forget how much of a cowardly lion he is?"
Lord,
I need some fuel. Thank you for giving me another day, and thank you for being there as these trials line my door step. I will make it through this because You are carrying me through it. You are the one holding me, saying all will be well. Thank you for Your grace, mercy and forgiveness. I'm still beating myself up for a few things, even when I know better. Help me to let go. Help me find courage in my life and continue to stand for those who cannot. You have called me to a greater purpose... Help me to not turn from the work that needs to be done.
Thank you for all, and in Jesus name,
Amen!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Day 16
Is that right?
"Darlin' I miss you"
I'm at loss for words...
I hadnt listened to this song in over 3 years. Another myspace find. I just played the artist's folder on the ol' hardrive, cleaning my desk area.
And bam.
I cried. Because I do miss him.
Lord, thanks for getting me through this. It's hard now, I can't imagine without You.
Find more Jonathan Stark songs at Myspace Music
"Darlin' I miss you"
I'm at loss for words...
I hadnt listened to this song in over 3 years. Another myspace find. I just played the artist's folder on the ol' hardrive, cleaning my desk area.
And bam.
I cried. Because I do miss him.
Lord, thanks for getting me through this. It's hard now, I can't imagine without You.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Day 12
I've presented with more anger than anything else. You name it, I can give a good reason why it stirs up the wrath inside.
But what I really think is...
I'm sad. I stopped a group early because the behavior was not conducive to growth/work. I took the students back to class, and they were sad. Negative consequences. Then, me and 2 of the group members practiced our walking feet by making laps down the halls. They made it through without me having to hold their hands, so I took them back to class with a promise to check on them after lunch.
As I'm walking up the stairs, I caught a glimpse of myself. I've been losing weight and toning back up, and another facade of him flashed in my mind. I pictured him complementing my physique and trying to hold/hug me. I rejected the image and some tears came out. I don't want to miss him. I don't want to want those things that my mind won't let me forget! While 70% of me rejects everything that he stands for, the other 30% asks why? Why did he take me for granted, why couldn't he give more of himself, and why the hell am I still blaming myself for this?!
I havnt been getting my daily devotionals to my email, and Im not sure why. I went to Air1 for a verse or something comforting during this time. I love that station. "Feel it in Your Heart" was playing by Abandon. There was also their verse of the day on the home page:
By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence.
2 Peter 1:3 NLT
I would like to say and actually have been for a while that I am disappointed in many things, people, situations, but really, I am disappointed in myself for not living the godly life I want.
AS I type, the woman in John comes to mind. The woman that cleaned Jesus' feet with her tears and hair. The pharisee Jesus was dining with told him to make her go away, and He replied with a parable about those who are forgiven much, love and give much. There is a lot He has forgiven me for... and I am so thankful for that!!!!! I love You my God and Savior!
But what I really think is...
I'm sad. I stopped a group early because the behavior was not conducive to growth/work. I took the students back to class, and they were sad. Negative consequences. Then, me and 2 of the group members practiced our walking feet by making laps down the halls. They made it through without me having to hold their hands, so I took them back to class with a promise to check on them after lunch.
As I'm walking up the stairs, I caught a glimpse of myself. I've been losing weight and toning back up, and another facade of him flashed in my mind. I pictured him complementing my physique and trying to hold/hug me. I rejected the image and some tears came out. I don't want to miss him. I don't want to want those things that my mind won't let me forget! While 70% of me rejects everything that he stands for, the other 30% asks why? Why did he take me for granted, why couldn't he give more of himself, and why the hell am I still blaming myself for this?!
I havnt been getting my daily devotionals to my email, and Im not sure why. I went to Air1 for a verse or something comforting during this time. I love that station. "Feel it in Your Heart" was playing by Abandon. There was also their verse of the day on the home page:
By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence.
2 Peter 1:3 NLT
I would like to say and actually have been for a while that I am disappointed in many things, people, situations, but really, I am disappointed in myself for not living the godly life I want.
AS I type, the woman in John comes to mind. The woman that cleaned Jesus' feet with her tears and hair. The pharisee Jesus was dining with told him to make her go away, and He replied with a parable about those who are forgiven much, love and give much. There is a lot He has forgiven me for... and I am so thankful for that!!!!! I love You my God and Savior!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Day 10
Day 1 without a cell phone. I've felt the anxiety.
I'm trying to pick my stuff back up again. Instead of letting Him have it all... all the time. That's the control freak in me. I have a better way of solving things... more like a better way to make it even more miserable.
There have been thoughts of him though. The last text I got from him. At least it was a nice one. "Thanks for letting me have Troy all weekend. It meant a lot."
I also had an angry but small stream of tears on the drive home. I was already frustrated from work. The disrespect and attitude experienced there stirred up memories of the same feelings felt in reaction to him. I had a verbal dialogue with myself answering a figment of him saying he was sorry and that he wanted to work things out again.
I remind the part of my brain that I will not get into shoulds and should nots, but I will say that Tiffany's date was an eye opener to how I want to be treated by a man. It was a validation of my worth.
Loyalty. That was the main theme of my one sided conversation. I say this without conceit: A beautiful woman's loyalty is one of the most valuable attributes, especially when she is desirable to other men but holds true to her mate.
Lord,
Help me not to self blame. One of the things I beat myself up for is "making it too easy for him to take me for granted." "I should have left him wanting more instead of satiated." I also have much bitterness for his sister. I admitted that I did not want anything good to come her way, but at the same time, I truly do not want her to have troubles either... and I can say that is a partial lie. I think I selfishly do not want to wish ill on her only because it could come back my direction. At the same time, I would experience satisfaction in knowing she got to walk at least a few months in my shoes. Its a hard place to be, and I am bringing it to You, God, because you know my heart best of all, and I cannot hide anything from you. I know You will soften my hear, Lord. I pray that I will come to a point where I no longer have days of autopilot. I dont want to go through the motions. I want to truly LIVE!! Thank You again for all that you have given me. Thank You for the influences in my life. You bring amazing people my direction. Please forgive me where I wrong you. For the hate I carry in my heart. Give me the strength to completely let go, Lord. It takes courage to let go and trust. Thank You for being my courage and strength.
In Jesus name,
Amen
I'm trying to pick my stuff back up again. Instead of letting Him have it all... all the time. That's the control freak in me. I have a better way of solving things... more like a better way to make it even more miserable.
There have been thoughts of him though. The last text I got from him. At least it was a nice one. "Thanks for letting me have Troy all weekend. It meant a lot."
I also had an angry but small stream of tears on the drive home. I was already frustrated from work. The disrespect and attitude experienced there stirred up memories of the same feelings felt in reaction to him. I had a verbal dialogue with myself answering a figment of him saying he was sorry and that he wanted to work things out again.
I remind the part of my brain that I will not get into shoulds and should nots, but I will say that Tiffany's date was an eye opener to how I want to be treated by a man. It was a validation of my worth.
Loyalty. That was the main theme of my one sided conversation. I say this without conceit: A beautiful woman's loyalty is one of the most valuable attributes, especially when she is desirable to other men but holds true to her mate.
Lord,
Help me not to self blame. One of the things I beat myself up for is "making it too easy for him to take me for granted." "I should have left him wanting more instead of satiated." I also have much bitterness for his sister. I admitted that I did not want anything good to come her way, but at the same time, I truly do not want her to have troubles either... and I can say that is a partial lie. I think I selfishly do not want to wish ill on her only because it could come back my direction. At the same time, I would experience satisfaction in knowing she got to walk at least a few months in my shoes. Its a hard place to be, and I am bringing it to You, God, because you know my heart best of all, and I cannot hide anything from you. I know You will soften my hear, Lord. I pray that I will come to a point where I no longer have days of autopilot. I dont want to go through the motions. I want to truly LIVE!! Thank You again for all that you have given me. Thank You for the influences in my life. You bring amazing people my direction. Please forgive me where I wrong you. For the hate I carry in my heart. Give me the strength to completely let go, Lord. It takes courage to let go and trust. Thank You for being my courage and strength.
In Jesus name,
Amen
Monday, April 4, 2011
Day 9
There has definitely been some time between posts, but I have been doing mostly good.
The weekend break was amazing. My son left friday evening, I went to practice, then me and Maeci attended the RCRD/Rt 66 April Fools party. That was interesting to say the least. But I think that is for a different blog. It was nice because neither of us had to worry about holding my son or making sure he was taken care of, but it was also sad seeing all the babies there and not having mine.
Then, I went horseback riding and to a girl scout dance saturday. That was a lot of fun. The ride was so therapeutic. My back had been hurting from derby, and the ride seemed to stretch it out like it needed. That dance was also great. I girled up and wore a dress, make-up, heels, shaved legs... it was a great feeling. Plus, getting the one on one time with Maeci was so much fun! We needed that! After the dance, Maeci stayed with a friend so mom could go spend some times with some ninjas. I couldn't waste my hot girl face! Lol!
So, I went to my best friend's house to hang out and play games. There was a pretty good little crowd there, and it felt great to hang out with no child related worries. Plus, did I mention I was in a dress?! We took lots of pics with a disposable camera at the dance, so as soon as they are developed, I can scan and post.
Sunday, I was more slow moving and missing my baby TONS!!! I tried to skip out on practice, but the sunday coach couldnt make it, so I went to run practice. I wasnt going to skate either. But I decided to try a few laps out to loosen and work my muscles. It was a good practice, and afterward, I called Troy. It took him a while to show up, but I finally got my baby back! It was so good to see him, and I could tell he was happy to see mommy and sister... especially sissy! They played rough house all night!!
I was cordial with his dad. Cold, but cordial. He came in with teething tablets like he was the hero of the day. He tried to hand them to me, but I looked at him and said, I already got some. He finally withdrew his hand and said, fine i'll just keep them. I was rude because I bought some the same day I took him to the doctor two weeks prior... this was the same week he ignored my calls and texts. Hmmm... (no shoulds or shouldnts.) I also gave him my house # because my cell will be shut of tomorrow. He started his auto message, "call me if yall need anything." But, I turned and gave a half ass wave along with my back before he could finish that unreliable, automatic statement.
It was hard. I miss him. I wanted to hug him and tell him thank you, but for what?
I'm not nice yet, but I also held my tongue from saying the hateful things on my mind and heart. I know that is God's grace. It will get better. I know that eventually, my icey heart will melt.
The weekend break was amazing. My son left friday evening, I went to practice, then me and Maeci attended the RCRD/Rt 66 April Fools party. That was interesting to say the least. But I think that is for a different blog. It was nice because neither of us had to worry about holding my son or making sure he was taken care of, but it was also sad seeing all the babies there and not having mine.
Then, I went horseback riding and to a girl scout dance saturday. That was a lot of fun. The ride was so therapeutic. My back had been hurting from derby, and the ride seemed to stretch it out like it needed. That dance was also great. I girled up and wore a dress, make-up, heels, shaved legs... it was a great feeling. Plus, getting the one on one time with Maeci was so much fun! We needed that! After the dance, Maeci stayed with a friend so mom could go spend some times with some ninjas. I couldn't waste my hot girl face! Lol!
So, I went to my best friend's house to hang out and play games. There was a pretty good little crowd there, and it felt great to hang out with no child related worries. Plus, did I mention I was in a dress?! We took lots of pics with a disposable camera at the dance, so as soon as they are developed, I can scan and post.
Sunday, I was more slow moving and missing my baby TONS!!! I tried to skip out on practice, but the sunday coach couldnt make it, so I went to run practice. I wasnt going to skate either. But I decided to try a few laps out to loosen and work my muscles. It was a good practice, and afterward, I called Troy. It took him a while to show up, but I finally got my baby back! It was so good to see him, and I could tell he was happy to see mommy and sister... especially sissy! They played rough house all night!!
I was cordial with his dad. Cold, but cordial. He came in with teething tablets like he was the hero of the day. He tried to hand them to me, but I looked at him and said, I already got some. He finally withdrew his hand and said, fine i'll just keep them. I was rude because I bought some the same day I took him to the doctor two weeks prior... this was the same week he ignored my calls and texts. Hmmm... (no shoulds or shouldnts.) I also gave him my house # because my cell will be shut of tomorrow. He started his auto message, "call me if yall need anything." But, I turned and gave a half ass wave along with my back before he could finish that unreliable, automatic statement.
It was hard. I miss him. I wanted to hug him and tell him thank you, but for what?
I'm not nice yet, but I also held my tongue from saying the hateful things on my mind and heart. I know that is God's grace. It will get better. I know that eventually, my icey heart will melt.
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