I've presented with more anger than anything else. You name it, I can give a good reason why it stirs up the wrath inside.
But what I really think is...
I'm sad. I stopped a group early because the behavior was not conducive to growth/work. I took the students back to class, and they were sad. Negative consequences. Then, me and 2 of the group members practiced our walking feet by making laps down the halls. They made it through without me having to hold their hands, so I took them back to class with a promise to check on them after lunch.
As I'm walking up the stairs, I caught a glimpse of myself. I've been losing weight and toning back up, and another facade of him flashed in my mind. I pictured him complementing my physique and trying to hold/hug me. I rejected the image and some tears came out. I don't want to miss him. I don't want to want those things that my mind won't let me forget! While 70% of me rejects everything that he stands for, the other 30% asks why? Why did he take me for granted, why couldn't he give more of himself, and why the hell am I still blaming myself for this?!
I havnt been getting my daily devotionals to my email, and Im not sure why. I went to Air1 for a verse or something comforting during this time. I love that station. "Feel it in Your Heart" was playing by Abandon. There was also their verse of the day on the home page:
By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence.
2 Peter 1:3 NLT
I would like to say and actually have been for a while that I am disappointed in many things, people, situations, but really, I am disappointed in myself for not living the godly life I want.
AS I type, the woman in John comes to mind. The woman that cleaned Jesus' feet with her tears and hair. The pharisee Jesus was dining with told him to make her go away, and He replied with a parable about those who are forgiven much, love and give much. There is a lot He has forgiven me for... and I am so thankful for that!!!!! I love You my God and Savior!