My attempt at organization. :)

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days.

I love hearing this song. Mostly these words:

"Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days."


"I need something only You can give and that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive."

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Pain blocks His voice

Ive been following an amazing series about hearing God's voice in 31 days, and it has been an eye opener. I had gotten so off track from listening to God, that I felt prompted by His spirit to not only read the words of this author but also digest them in a way that allowed His hands to work on me.

Without stepping on her toes or taking anything from her series, I would like to add a revelation I received yesterday.

I smashed my finger in my car door yesterday. It is badly bruised and still pulsates as I attempt typing this blog. My mind has been wrapped around how bad my wound hurts. Just after the incident, my daughter begins a conversation about a piece of furniture her size, and I only heard about a forth of her words. Then, a few friends called. Same thing: I spoke briefly then cut it short because my mind was completely wrapped around my bludgeoned, purple fingertip. I was like a space cadet all evening, focused solely on the pain.

As I lay in bed reeling over the evening's event, it hit me: thoughts of myself, clients, family, people in the midst of their pain.

The pain is the center of the universe, regardless of the type or cause. This pain not only directs our steps, behaviors, actions, words... it navigates us through and away from our relationships.

The pain acts like a filter or even barrier, disallowing the peace and comfort of love and healing. That's what happens to God's voice when He works to coax us out of that barrier and shell built by pain.

My own pain turns into other forces that stifle God's voice: anger, bitterness, jealousy, etc.


Help me to locate and acknowledge the pain in my heart. Help my mind focus on you and your healing more than the suffering and painful wounds. Thank you for your continued patience with me and my growth. Thank you for never giving up on me and allowing me to hear Your voice even with all my humanness muddying the waters of communication. Thank you for all your wisdom and love.

In Jesus name,

Thursday, May 19, 2011


"Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings."

This statement hangs on the wall of my counseling office. I feel God speaking to me. I've read the words 100s of times. It obviously means something to me if it hangs on my wall...

But today, as I turned on my computer, lamp, and scentsy warmer, it posed a question, asking me to look at my "relationship" with a not so nice person. (no, not my son's dad)

"How can I be thankful for her?"

I know my face scrunched and brow furrowed at this. How can I?

1. I'm glad I'm not like her. This was my first, human thought. This lead me to think about the bitterness and anger this woman carries. I HAVE been that person. There are days that this anger filled, bitter person within me tries to run the show. Which lead me to the very real pain lying at the core of bitterness and anger. I THANKED God for continuously healing my heart's pain.

2. I thought about all the people in my life that are not like her... but then I think about how some of the classiest ladies I hang with have spewed some venom a time or two, and I loved and supported them with justifications in hand if needed. I THANKED God for His forgiveness.

3. I thought about how this woman said ugly things about me utilizing government programs to support my kids. I've recently elevated into a new tax bracket. I no longer live below the poverty line, disqualifying me from these same programs. I am nervous, but I also feel a need to reign in my pride as I remember who truly provides for me and my family. I THANKED God for His provisions, mentally, emotionally, and physically supporting us at all times.

4. I thought about how I've prayed for this woman. I just go through the motions. I say the right words, praying for all members of her family and different aspects of her life. Even though I may not be completely sincere in the beginning, God shows up, softens my heart, and opens my understanding. I THANKED God for His presence and teaching me how to pray.

And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness–secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name. Isaiah 45:3

I know there are many things I can be thankful for, and God will reveal them to me as I allow Him to search my heart and continuously seek Him.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Freedom to Feel

Step away
Keep your distance
I can't be what you want me to be
But right now there are things inside I don't want you to see
So take your personal spotlight
Shine it on someone else for a while
I can't force a happy face or makeshift you a smile
I can't deny what I see, what I feel or what's in front of me
So take your world of precious moments of make-believe
They never made me believe in anything
But left me with nothing to hold on to
Your quick fix and magic tricks can only disguise what I was going through
And now I'm thinkin' it was when it wasn't
And now I'm tryin' to rationalize what just doesn't
Come together and somehow doesn't make sense
But God, how can I convince them when I'm not even convinced?

Everyone is thinkin' it, but nobody's sayin' it
Everyone's sayin' it, but nobody's feeling it
Everyone's feeling it, but nobody's seein' it
So how am I supposed to know what's real?

False sense of happiness
My security wrapped up in this
These control freaks seek out who they can brainwash and make activists
They'd rather have me lie than bring my failure to the light
Keep your secrets to yourself
It's not about you but them lookin' right
No time to be ugly
Don't trouble them with your doubt and fears
Shout for joy little boys and girls
You brokenness ain't welcome here
Well excuse me while I bleed through and my life becomes see-through
Don't ask for transparency but reject what you seein' too

Everyone is thinkin' it, but nobody's sayin' it
Everyone is sayin' it, but nobody's feelin' it
Everyone is feelin' it, but nobody is seein' it
So tell me, how am I supposed to know what's real?

Everyone is thinkin' it
Everyone is feelin' it
But nobody is seeing it
And how
Am I supposed to feel?
How am I supposed to know what's real?

So please
Can somebody tell me how am I supposed to know what's real
When I was told and controlled how to feel?
You tell me now, how am I supposed to know what's real
When I was told and controlled how to feel?
Jesus, please tell me
How are they gonna know you're real
When we're told and controlled how to feel
Jesus, tell me please
How they gonna know you're real
When they're controlled and told how to feel?
You tell me
How am I supposed to know what's real
When I was told and controlled how to feel?
You tell me please, God
How are they gonna know that you're real
When they're told and controlled how to feel?
You tell me please
How am I supposed to know what's real?
How are they supposed to know what's real?
How are they supposed to know what's real?
How are you and I supposed to know?

Freedom to feel

How am I supposed to feel?
How am I supposed to know what's real?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


This (among many things) has been on my mind. I've needed to stop and get these thoughts out while asking for guidance.

One thing that becomes very clear is the fact that we as Christians only have one enemy: the prince of this world, Lucifer himself; but it amazes how craftily he works through humans. I have directed more hate into the air instead of allowing God's righteousness to reveal itself.

So this post is really about me reading God's word. I'm looking in the concordance under 'enemy.'
Not that it matters, but I'm reading from a KJV at my desk and copy/pasting from NLT website.

Psalm 23:5
You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.

Psalm 119:98
Your commands make me wiser than my enemies,
for they are my constant guide.

Proverbs 16:7
When people's lives please the LORD,
even their enemies are at peace with them.

Proverbs 25:21,22
If your enemies are hungry, give them food to eat.
If they are thirsty, give them water to drink.
You will heap burning coals of shame on their heads,
and the LORD will reward you.

Exodus 23:4
If you come upon your enemy's ox or donkey that has strayed away, take it back to its owner.

Matthew 5:44
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which spitefully use you, and persecute you;

Romans 5:10
For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, mu more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life.

Romans 12:19-21
(vs. 19 & 20 quote old testament)
Be not overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good.

Philippians 3:18,19
For I have told you often before, and I say it again with tears in my eyes, that there are many whose conduct shows they are really enemies of the cross of Christ. They are headed for destruction. Their god is their appetite, they brag about shameful things, and they think only about this life here on earth.

2 Thessalonians 3:14,15
Take note of those who refuse to obey what we say in this letter. Stay away from them so they will be ashamed. Don't think of them as enemies, but warn them as you would a brother or sister.

James 4:4
You adulterers! Don't you realize that friendship with the world makes you an enemy of God? I say it again: If you want to be a friend of the world, you make yourself an enemy of God.

Wow... some of this stepped on my toes, which is ALWAYS a good thing. A repentant heart never hurt anyone. (2 Corinthians 7:13)

Thank you. To list all that You have given me would extend to tomorrow as well as the maximum character allowance.I am grouchy. I am negative. I am sad... but like Steph said, IAM.

In Jesus name,

Thursday, May 5, 2011

I quit counting.

I made a call out on the FB today for some bloggy action. More specifically, hunting a single mother author with some inspiration entwined with her writing. Another need rearing its head. I was urged to write my own.

Ugh... not that I don't want to. I'm just lazy and wanted to read someone else's words instead of coming up with my own. After much debate today... and some prayer, I found myself on this "journal." I was a little embarrassed to share. Do I unshield myself and the few tear stained entries? I started this actual blog roughly 7 weeks ago, but I owe it to my PNP for introducing me to blogger 2 years ago. We wrote about roller derby together. ;)

Well, Im typing now, so maybe it will be ok. Maybe, I am learning to rely on Him in more areas than what I allow Him to help me with. I think its funny how I still try to put limits on God.

Well, if I'm the author that I was looking for, then lets get to it!

I've had the story of Dinah on the brain. Genesis 34 (I liked this reference because it comes with a commentary)

2 things stick out the most for me as a single woman:
1) Society (other than Dinah's family) thought it ok to rape women.
2) The man who raped her then wanted her as wife and "loved her" for what she could do for him.

I'm pretty much done with what society thinks is ok for me as a single mother and woman in general. Please excuse the vulgarities, but this was my reply to a man asking me to hook up just today: "i know the 'thing' to do is fuck everyone under the sun... or moon most times, especially after u find yourself out of the committed relationship u struggled to keep together, but i just dont seem to fit that trend"

Yeah, so me and the would be man of the house split. So that makes me the next available piece of meat in the market??? Ummmm nooooooo. And frankly, I'm just about sick of gaining a man's interest because of what I can do for him.

Which of course, leads me to #2.
I have had this so backwards!! I have NOTHING to offer God. Nothing. I can't sing, write, act, give, work, pray, or even love my way into heaven or a relationship with God. He picked me NOT because of what I can do for Him but because of what He did for me. What He can do for me now and what He will do for me eternally.

Yeah, it would be totally awesome to have a guy that rubs my feet or back, takes me to dinner or at least helps me cook, does dishes, takes out the trash, helps me with the kids in ANY way, even with scotch tape! (funny allusion to a friend's story on FB) Hell, it would be nice to have a guy that answers the phone when I call... or better, returns phone calls! It might even be kewl to get invited to hang out and bbq or be acknowledged as a human being period. But if its a false, fake something of an act, then its not worth it.


You know best of all what the past few weeks have been like for me. When work, home, matters of the heart, then some physical ailment beats down, emptying your patience and meekness bank account, you find yourself laid out on the pavement licking old emotional wounds. I quickly forget You are the best remedy. Thank You for never running out of patience and grace with me. Thank You for trusting me to be a single mother and carrying me through this road when all I saw was uncharted forest. Bless all eyes that fall on these words. Open hearts to You in a mighty way. I'm not sure if this is exactly the content I was searching, but I know for sure it is the comfort. Thank You always for that... a peace that surpasses all understanding.

In Jesus name,