My attempt at organization. :)

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Day 10

Day 1 without a cell phone. I've felt the anxiety.

I'm trying to pick my stuff back up again. Instead of letting Him have it all... all the time. That's the control freak in me. I have a better way of solving things... more like a better way to make it even more miserable.

There have been thoughts of him though. The last text I got from him. At least it was a nice one. "Thanks for letting me have Troy all weekend. It meant a lot."

I also had an angry but small stream of tears on the drive home. I was already frustrated from work. The disrespect and attitude experienced there stirred up memories of the same feelings felt in reaction to him. I had a verbal dialogue with myself answering a figment of him saying he was sorry and that he wanted to work things out again.

I remind the part of my brain that I will not get into shoulds and should nots, but I will say that Tiffany's date was an eye opener to how I want to be treated by a man. It was a validation of my worth.

Loyalty. That was the main theme of my one sided conversation. I say this without conceit: A beautiful woman's loyalty is one of the most valuable attributes, especially when she is desirable to other men but holds true to her mate.

Help me not to self blame. One of the things I beat myself up for is "making it too easy for him to take me for granted." "I should have left him wanting more instead of satiated." I also have much bitterness for his sister. I admitted that I did not want anything good to come her way, but at the same time, I truly do not want her to have troubles either... and I can say that is a partial lie. I think I selfishly do not want to wish ill on her only because it could come back my direction. At the same time, I would experience satisfaction in knowing she got to walk at least a few months in my shoes. Its a hard place to be, and I am bringing it to You, God, because you know my heart best of all, and I cannot hide anything from you. I know You will soften my hear, Lord. I pray that I will come to a point where I no longer have days of autopilot. I dont want to go through the motions. I want to truly LIVE!! Thank You again for all that you have given me. Thank You for the influences in my life. You bring amazing people my direction. Please forgive me where I wrong you. For the hate I carry in my heart. Give me the strength to completely let go, Lord. It takes courage to let go and trust. Thank You for being my courage and strength.

In Jesus name,

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