My attempt at organization. :)

Thursday, December 29, 2011


I found my charm bracelet while cleaning my room today. It stirred my heart. I paused my chores and hunted a bible. I thought it laying on verses would provide a pretty picture.

God is so good. The first picture was not planned. I flipped it toward the middle, layed the bracelet down, and took the photo. It was after that I noticed what verses it lay on. :)

This verse in Hebrews came to mind, so this shot was more "staged."

I have no doubt that I have faith. Jesus in the author and finisher of my faith, so its not of me. Its easier to believe its there without flaw knowing its from and controlled and grown in His hands.

Its my faithfulness that needs a work out.

My faithfulness to the seemingly little things:

-daily quiet time in His word
-hugging and kissing my children
-loving myself as He loves me
-letting go daily
-NOT yelling
-chores and decluttering
-accepting opportunities to be a blessing
-refusing to be negative, no matter how satisfying it is in the moment
-serving my home and children like I serve in the world... daily
-lead my children to Him daily as we wait for a godly man to lead us
-skating for Him and not my glory
-believing Him and the wisdom He reveals to me... in every moment.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

the gift I didn't want to send

I was listening to air1 last week at work. Between music breaks, the discussion's theme was not getting offended and reaching out to those that hurt you. A woman caller shared her story of purchasing a gift for "the other woman." He husband had had an affair that brought a new child into this family's life. She purchased a gift to the woman and her child.

I prayed for her, admitting that I could not do the same.

Then, another woman called. A similar story. There was no child, but there was an affair, and this woman reached out to "the other woman" because, "If she didn't know Christ, maybe me reaching out to her would help minister to her in a godly way."

As I began to pray for this woman, it hit me...

God wanted me to do something similar.

I instantly began to cry and protest, "No. I can't do this. No. Why do I have to do this?!"

He reminded me of the plea I had written the day before, asking Him to reveal His plan to me.

I argued for a good hour. I made excuses, reminded Him of the hurt they inflicted, and insisted this was not what I had asked for.

He reminded me of how precious His children are... even when they fight.

As I walked out to warm up the car before retrieving my son, I finally caved and said in my heart, "Okay, but I can only do this with Your help. I don't know what to do, and I don't want them to know that I had any part of this. I want to stay anonymous." He let me, assuring me He would show me what to do.

After picking up the kids, I met a couple and the pizza man at my house. My friend had received some heartbreaking news about her grandmother. She was not given much time. So, I fed them and loved on them. We sat together, eating and watching tv when I saw a commercial for the product I was to send. I knew what He wanted as He tugged at my heart again. This time, He told me to add her sister. I cried again, silently to myself in the bathroom because I did not want my friend to see and worry. I regained composure to finish the night. They left, and God's plan began to transpire.

Another friend came over, and I sent her to the ATM since my kids were in bed sleeping. As she did that, I made online arrangements for the other part of the gifts. I put "From God" and let Him lead me to the psalm that would accompany the gifts. I had my friend write the necessary information to send the gift to a neutral, godly place that would ensure further delivery.

As I sat, still debating if I should do this, my friend and I spoke about what this ultimately was.

I don't live life in black and white. I have pushed the limits of gray ALL my life. This day was the first time I had ever seen a black or white decision. I could choose to serve myself and allow my flesh to be satisfied in my bitterness, or I could choose to trust and follow God in His request. He wanted me to trust Him. Period. It wasn't about the people I gifted to, it wasn't about the money invested into these gifts, it wasn't about my vengeance or justification. It was simply about following the living God. I cried again as I sealed the envelope.

Satan was there, filling my mind with negative visions that sliced my heart, but God was also there, whispering His peace and asking for my trust.

The next day, I called the business to ensure confidentiality. I got no answer, so I left a message. I went through the rest of my morning and called again. I introduced myself and told the woman about the message I had left this morning.

Her voice instantly changed. She said, "Oh yes! I looked at your online purchase, and I just have to say, I love what you are doing. I think this is such a beautiful idea."

My guilt hit my tummy, and I said, "I don't take any credit for this. Please believe me when I say God did this all on His own." God was showing me how the decision was affecting someone not directly involved with the situation. She assured me confidentiality.

Later, I picked up my daughter from early release, and we headed to the post office. As I dropped the package, I said, "Okay God, I did what You wanted. Its in Your hands now."

My daughter asked, "What did you do? Why did you say that to God?"

I wasn't even thinking about her being in the car with me as I finished His request. I instantly started crying and sharing with her what God asked me to do. She smiled ever so sweetly and said, "We are gonna get something big for that."

I cried even more, hugged her, and told her how right she was. Another life already affected.

You amaze me with Your great blessing. You fill me with something no other thing can. You are my creator and savior. I serve the living God. I'm not sure what will happen, but I trust You. Thank You for working on this sinner, making me a worthy servant for You. I know I don't do everything right, but because You worked through me, You allowed me to be the person that got it right this time. You know my heart and the hurt it still carries. Thank You for leading me out of my comfort zone in search of true healing that only comes from You. Thank you, Jesus, for the suffering You endured for me and all other sinners that accept Your precious gift. You paid the ultimate price. The little I have sacrificed and endured is nothing compared to what You do for me. Thank You. Thank You for revealing Yourself to my precious girl. Fill my tongue with words of praise. I love You only because You first loved me.
In Jesus Name, Amen.

Monday, December 19, 2011

uncut 2

I'm following in Deane's footsteps. She posted a confession over at Who is God?.

When I awoke, my mood was as foul as my breath. The thoughts that plagued me in August came back with some strength. I did well going through the motions of our morning routine. It was more than going through the motions... I gave smiles and attention to my children and stuffed the negatives down till I could deal with them during quiet time.

After dropping my daughter at school, I started the 25 minute journey to my son's daycare and my work. God, You were with me the whole time as I tossed thoughts of my son's father around. I tried to listen to the encouragement coming from air1 as I spoke out loud:

"I did better this weekend, right? The anxiety was much better. I didn't freak out internally, and I didn't respond to the Friday night texts about him drinking and talking ugly about me. Saturday was different, maybe because he was hungover, he was more emotionally vulnerable? Did I really sense something different or am I imagining it? It was back to the same anger on Sunday. I could feel his anger toward me. Am I still doing the right thing? I don't know what to pray for anymore. I don't think my prayers for him and his family are genuine anymore. My mouth professes blessings and guidence and peace while my heart expects news of a drunk driving accident and divorce. What do I pray for, Lord?"

So what do You do, God, when believers are on opposite sides of a situation, praying that You bless it the way they want? I know You fulfill Your will, but how do we know what that is when we can only see our side of the coin? Right now, I think of his sister, my son's aunt. I think of the anger and bitterness she carries. I think of how insecure and alone she feels everyday, and I know this is the driving force behind her actions... which makes me think, maybe she isn't a believer. They took a family photo, and her stepson was missing, again. Why? And their mother, my son's grandmother... I find myself remembering important actions and words from her that boomed her character, and I didn't understand it completely until now. What happened, Lord, that this family is so mean and artificial? I've seen them show love to people when its easy and there is a huge return for honor and credit.

Then, I think again that You can make anything new if You wanted. I prayed for his spiritual condition, but even that was only half-ass. I thought our relationship could be made new if You wanted, but then, he would never want to live and share in the life You chose for me and my children, would he? I've been thinking about that part a lot. The fact that You came in and took control of my life again. I get on fire for You and do my best to fulfill the work You lay before me, but then I don't let You be enough. I let my flesh take over and choose behavior that tears down the work You built in me just for my flesh to feel not alone.

I'm confessing to You that this is a huge, no HUGE struggle for me. I have my God, my kids, my family, my friends and fellow skaters all showing me how I am not alone, but its not enough according to my flesh. I want a mate, a companion. So if its not in Your will, I need to know stat. I need some peace about this. I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my hope and diligence to finally do this the right way. I feel ashamed even thinking, much less typing a sentence about wasting hope while I talk to You, the author of my faith and hope. God, You know my heart and mind well enough to know what kind of answer they need right now. If the answer is no companion, I will still strive in Your work. There is too much to do to walk away now, but I will know more about my place and what You have made me for.

Another part of this confession, I see couples working out their problems after being separated for some time, and I get such an intense mix of thankfulness and jealousy. I'm thankful because marriage and family are so important to me, but I get so jealous because I want that.

Even as I write, You remind me that some things must go through transformation before they come into fruition. You cannot tell a pregnant woman to give birth to her baby only 4 months into the pregnancy. The baby is not ready. You cannot tell a new seedling to produce its apple. It must first grow into a tree, flower, then produce its precious meat. You cannot tell the monarch butterfly to go home in January. Winter is not done; therefore, its migration cannot be interupted. There is a time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3), and I hope that in my waiting time, God reveals the details of His plan for me.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Proverbs 18:10

Proverbs 18:10

The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to Him and are safe.

I painted this as a birthday gift for a friend in 2008. This is my first Scripture & a Snapshot, and while reading the "rules," the painting came to mind.

(Found at:)

Friday, December 16, 2011

God's love connects us.


To the web. To people. It reminds me of that cartoon with the guy hugging his computer and saying, "My friends are in there..." or something like that.

I feel that way in the blogosphere most days. Especially when I follow God's lead to another chosen helper's words. I love stories of mess and imperfection. I feel like they are telling an altered version of my story. Altered in their personal way, yet connected to mine.

He keeps us connected. If we are the hands and feet, that that's to be expected, right?

My body likes to connect with others as they tell me about their pain. I can feel it... and it hurts, making me want to stop them mid sentence and hug them or shake their hand. I want to ask them how they are here standing in front of me to tell.

Then, I think of how I made it there to listen and reciprocate sharing. He brought me here... and you. If this was an accident, then why is He here too... because "where 2 or more are gathered in Mine Name, there I am also." I'm glad were here under this wing of protection, learning things of more value than tangible treasure.

I'm so thankful He connects me to His love. It makes me consider walking in the shoes of those less desirable. It helps me understand the hurts and bitterness they carry, and my smile's caliber of importance... because its not mine but His smile... and His love... and His connectedness.

"A love that's not relevant but revolutionary." -Press Play

Linking with Gypsy Mama for 5 Minute Friday.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

From the mouth of babes.

Dear Santa,

I want to give you a few items I want for Christmas... I want a nook, iPad 2, soft blanket, new backpack, craft supplies. And I would like hope for my family! How is Rudolf? Can you make my Christmas a very good one? Can you put me in a good position for my brother's 2nd and my cousin's 1st Christmas? How is Mrs. Claus? So, I hope you have a good Christmas. I love you! And have a good time delivering presents!


My 9 year old wrote this letter during her after school class. I was reading it out loud as we walked outside, poking fun about her copying what I wanted for Christmas. We were laughing as I started the italicized sentence, and the moment the words left my tongue, my heart was in my gut; and I felt the tears coming. I held it together because my girl is kinda on the drama side and flips when I cry. As we drove to our house, I asked what hope would look like to her.

She said, "Hope is where we would have more food, be better, and um... the cat would actually poop in his box. And trains wouldn't get in our way in the morning.

I cried laughed. And then explained my tears of pride and pain and growth, and things they don't have words for yet.

From the mouth of babes.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


Today has been hectic to say the least! I Usually get much more computer time in the day, but this was an interesting day. God is so good, and your prayers are working! We are seeing growth with new interns at possibly all levels! We also heard from a grant foundation asking for more detailed information. A big one...

At the home front, the children were pretty good. My daughter helped me out TREMENDOUSLY with chores and cleaning that needed to be done to the house. Her brother didn't make as big of a mess as he followed behind. He also carried the broom from room to room. He's very helpful. :)

Then I visit with a friend after she made an emergency Wal-Mart run for us... kitty litter. Ew.

I FINALLY opened my email to read my God horoscope of the day:

THE TRUMPET by Bill Burns:
I have chosen you for such a time as this to walk in the power of My presence and in victory. For, I have come to raise an army, a glorious army, the likes of which has never been before. For, they shall rise up and run in the power of the Most Holy to defeat the enemy. I am calling to you now. I am calling to you to be restored and to recover the gift of My love, joy and peace. Beloved, even as this year has passed by, there stands one before you, the summary and the power of which, at this point, is unknown and unbelievable. But, I call those things which are not as though they were, and you will be astounded at My work. You will be astounded at what I accomplish among My people. It is the day of opportunity and discovery, the day of receiving the blessing of the Lord Most Holy. Renew yourself this day, says the Lord; all things will be possible to him who believes.

Stay focused spiritually and refuse to allow the herd instinct of this season to push you into carnal tendencies. Expectations based on presumption or fantasy will only produce disappointment. Keep your emotions under the rule of the Spirit, says the Lord, and you will be able to resist temptations that will take you down the path of regret. James 4:7 Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.

I ran over to blogger to share this amazing day and email, but before I can open a new draft, I see Chelle's post, Just Rest.

"Before long all the trials and troubles that you are experiencing will start to fade. Oh yes...they will still be there, but the enormity of them will diminish. You will gain perspective on all that is happening." -Reformed Rebel

This spiritual war is greater than I've ever imagined before. I've seen mine for far longer than I've seen anyone else's. I've seen friends and loved ones struggles and victories as my vision of spiritual battles enlarged slightly to my circle/network. The scale of this is still too much for me to understand at this point, but it is growing. Its a hard winning battle.

My biggest question right now, is how do I keep Your Name on the love. I've already come to the conclusion that the only way to win a person previously hurt by a church/christian/doctrine is to show the love. Your love. Is there a way for them to understand that the unconditional positive regard at least mostly to their face is of You? I'm not two-faced, but there are plenty of tongue in cheek, smile and nod till you get outta there situations. Not about my Jesus, so I want to find the balance of love with Your Name on it. Will they know its You when my flesh tells me to look the other way, not say the hard thing, or ask this woman "What the hell was she thinking?" Will they know that its You that hugs them, wipes their tears and noses, and listens to them angrily spew out things this fleshy vessel has spewed before? Prepare their hearts today for tomorrow's fulfilled promises, including my heart. Help me to fully grasp and understand the things You are bringing my way. I thank the ladies here and face to face friends and God sources enough. I thank You Lord for providing them all to me and choosing me. In Jesus Name, Amen.