My attempt at organization. :)

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Day 19

Wow. I'm tired. There have been sooooooooooo many things going on in my life. The proverbial poop has hit the fan, and its flinging into all parts of my life. And the one person that stays constant on my mind is him.

Again, the dualism.

I want him to hold me and tell me all will be well soon.

Then the other part of my wakes up, slaps the crap outta my other self, and tells me, "hello, do we quickly forget how much of a cowardly lion he is?"


I need some fuel. Thank you for giving me another day, and thank you for being there as these trials line my door step. I will make it through this because You are carrying me through it. You are the one holding me, saying all will be well. Thank you for Your grace, mercy and forgiveness. I'm still beating myself up for a few things, even when I know better. Help me to let go. Help me find courage in my life and continue to stand for those who cannot. You have called me to a greater purpose... Help me to not turn from the work that needs to be done.

Thank you for all, and in Jesus name,

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Day 16

Is that right?

"Darlin' I miss you"

I'm at loss for words...

I hadnt listened to this song in over 3 years. Another myspace find. I just played the artist's folder on the ol' hardrive, cleaning my desk area.

And bam.

I cried. Because I do miss him.

Lord, thanks for getting me through this. It's hard now, I can't imagine without You.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Day 12

I've presented with more anger than anything else. You name it, I can give a good reason why it stirs up the wrath inside.

But what I really think is...

I'm sad. I stopped a group early because the behavior was not conducive to growth/work. I took the students back to class, and they were sad. Negative consequences. Then, me and 2 of the group members practiced our walking feet by making laps down the halls. They made it through without me having to hold their hands, so I took them back to class with a promise to check on them after lunch.

As I'm walking up the stairs, I caught a glimpse of myself. I've been losing weight and toning back up, and another facade of him flashed in my mind. I pictured him complementing my physique and trying to hold/hug me. I rejected the image and some tears came out. I don't want to miss him. I don't want to want those things that my mind won't let me forget! While 70% of me rejects everything that he stands for, the other 30% asks why? Why did he take me for granted, why couldn't he give more of himself, and why the hell am I still blaming myself for this?!

I havnt been getting my daily devotionals to my email, and Im not sure why. I went to Air1 for a verse or something comforting during this time. I love that station. "Feel it in Your Heart" was playing by Abandon. There was also their verse of the day on the home page:

By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence.

2 Peter 1:3 NLT

I would like to say and actually have been for a while that I am disappointed in many things, people, situations, but really, I am disappointed in myself for not living the godly life I want.

AS I type, the woman in John comes to mind. The woman that cleaned Jesus' feet with her tears and hair. The pharisee Jesus was dining with told him to make her go away, and He replied with a parable about those who are forgiven much, love and give much. There is a lot He has forgiven me for... and I am so thankful for that!!!!! I love You my God and Savior!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Day 10

Day 1 without a cell phone. I've felt the anxiety.

I'm trying to pick my stuff back up again. Instead of letting Him have it all... all the time. That's the control freak in me. I have a better way of solving things... more like a better way to make it even more miserable.

There have been thoughts of him though. The last text I got from him. At least it was a nice one. "Thanks for letting me have Troy all weekend. It meant a lot."

I also had an angry but small stream of tears on the drive home. I was already frustrated from work. The disrespect and attitude experienced there stirred up memories of the same feelings felt in reaction to him. I had a verbal dialogue with myself answering a figment of him saying he was sorry and that he wanted to work things out again.

I remind the part of my brain that I will not get into shoulds and should nots, but I will say that Tiffany's date was an eye opener to how I want to be treated by a man. It was a validation of my worth.

Loyalty. That was the main theme of my one sided conversation. I say this without conceit: A beautiful woman's loyalty is one of the most valuable attributes, especially when she is desirable to other men but holds true to her mate.

Help me not to self blame. One of the things I beat myself up for is "making it too easy for him to take me for granted." "I should have left him wanting more instead of satiated." I also have much bitterness for his sister. I admitted that I did not want anything good to come her way, but at the same time, I truly do not want her to have troubles either... and I can say that is a partial lie. I think I selfishly do not want to wish ill on her only because it could come back my direction. At the same time, I would experience satisfaction in knowing she got to walk at least a few months in my shoes. Its a hard place to be, and I am bringing it to You, God, because you know my heart best of all, and I cannot hide anything from you. I know You will soften my hear, Lord. I pray that I will come to a point where I no longer have days of autopilot. I dont want to go through the motions. I want to truly LIVE!! Thank You again for all that you have given me. Thank You for the influences in my life. You bring amazing people my direction. Please forgive me where I wrong you. For the hate I carry in my heart. Give me the strength to completely let go, Lord. It takes courage to let go and trust. Thank You for being my courage and strength.

In Jesus name,

Monday, April 4, 2011

Day 9

There has definitely been some time between posts, but I have been doing mostly good.

The weekend break was amazing. My son left friday evening, I went to practice, then me and Maeci attended the RCRD/Rt 66 April Fools party. That was interesting to say the least. But I think that is for a different blog. It was nice because neither of us had to worry about holding my son or making sure he was taken care of, but it was also sad seeing all the babies there and not having mine.

Then, I went horseback riding and to a girl scout dance saturday. That was a lot of fun. The ride was so therapeutic. My back had been hurting from derby, and the ride seemed to stretch it out like it needed. That dance was also great. I girled up and wore a dress, make-up, heels, shaved legs... it was a great feeling. Plus, getting the one on one time with Maeci was so much fun! We needed that! After the dance, Maeci stayed with a friend so mom could go spend some times with some ninjas. I couldn't waste my hot girl face! Lol!

So, I went to my best friend's house to hang out and play games. There was a pretty good little crowd there, and it felt great to hang out with no child related worries. Plus, did I mention I was in a dress?! We took lots of pics with a disposable camera at the dance, so as soon as they are developed, I can scan and post.

Sunday, I was more slow moving and missing my baby TONS!!! I tried to skip out on practice, but the sunday coach couldnt make it, so I went to run practice. I wasnt going to skate either. But I decided to try a few laps out to loosen and work my muscles. It was a good practice, and afterward, I called Troy. It took him a while to show up, but I finally got my baby back! It was so good to see him, and I could tell he was happy to see mommy and sister... especially sissy! They played rough house all night!!

I was cordial with his dad. Cold, but cordial. He came in with teething tablets like he was the hero of the day. He tried to hand them to me, but I looked at him and said, I already got some. He finally withdrew his hand and said, fine i'll just keep them. I was rude because I bought some the same day I took him to the doctor two weeks prior... this was the same week he ignored my calls and texts. Hmmm... (no shoulds or shouldnts.) I also gave him my house # because my cell will be shut of tomorrow. He started his auto message, "call me if yall need anything." But, I turned and gave a half ass wave along with my back before he could finish that unreliable, automatic statement.

It was hard. I miss him. I wanted to hug him and tell him thank you, but for what?

I'm not nice yet, but I also held my tongue from saying the hateful things on my mind and heart. I know that is God's grace. It will get better. I know that eventually, my icey heart will melt.