My attempt at organization. :)

Saturday, September 24, 2011

thank You

14. blogging - reading and writing
15. flamingos
16. Muddy Buddies Chex Mix
17. volleyball
18. birthday parties
19. diaper rash cream
20. Benedryl
21. honesty
22. windless and still afternoons


I can't say that I'm cold, but I'm not sure that I am completely connected to the reality of the circumstances. I'm not sure what to do, but I KNOW YOU ARE ENOUGH! You bless me at every turn, within each moment. Sometimes, I think we find peace once we uncover the root pain. I ask that You keep me and him in tune with our pain. Not to dwell in it, but to let You have it, choosing to dwell in Your peace. Please, make him aware. Keep him from hiding from it. Help me to continue responding with peace and love. Fill me with Your spirit. Thank you for loving me always.

In Jesus Name,

Monday, September 19, 2011

I havn't prayed.

My biological father overdosed on meth last week. I saw him on Thurs, Sept 15th. I'm preparing for another visit today.

I'm not sure what it will be like. I'm scared. I'm angry. The old pain and bitterness strive against love and peace for ownership of my heart.

I never had a relationship with him.

His parents, my grandparents are deceased; therefore, the responsibility of him and preparations for a possible funeral was left at my doorstep.

My heart cries, "So he gets to party himself to death while me and my younger siblings are left to clean up the mess."

I was reading blogs and verses when the theme of the morning hit me: When satan attacks, give it to God, the one who does battle for you.

I haven't prayed. My dad has been in my thoughts, but I haven't given it to God in prayer...


What do I pray for?! You know his health condition, and does it make a difference? I have nothing but anger and bitterness. The cynic born when I was 4 years old says it will not make a difference. All I can think of is the cost. When he gets out of the hospital (if he makes a healthy recovery), he will continue to use... won't he? I'm not one to put limits on You, Lord, but that's what I'm doing right now! Or is that his fate, his reality? Is this enough for a change? Is this the beginning of a real relationship with my father? Do I dare get my hopes up? I feel like that part of my trust is broken forever. But You can make anything new! So here I am, trying to let You work.... trying to be open and obedient to Your will. Stretch out Your hands on this situation. God, heal his heart and bring beauty from his pain. Maybe me and my siblings are the beauties from his family pain... Thank you, Lord for being the loving, merciful, and peaceful God that You are... my God!

In Jesus Name,

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


Psalm 73:
When I thought how to understand this,
It was too painful for me—
17 Until I went into the sanctuary of God;
Then I understood their end.

Jeremiah 15:
18 Why is my pain perpetual
And my wound incurable,
Which refuses to be healed?
Will You surely be to me like an unreliable stream,
As waters that fail?
20 And I will make you to this people a fortified bronze wall;
And they will fight against you,
But they shall not prevail against you;
For I am with you to save you
And deliver you,” says the LORD.

11 Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
(The Message ends that verse with: ...for it's the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.)

4 And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”

Jeremiah 15:
16 Your words were found, and I ate them,
And Your word was to me the joy and rejoicing of my heart;
For I am called by Your name,
O LORD God of hosts.

There are so many in PAIN.
I use the bigger font because as I started this, I felt overwhelmed by it. My heart cries for its own wounds and others' freshly cut scarred tissue. A dear friend asked towards the sky, "Why? Is it because of this..." My heart echoed a similar plea.
You bless us, Lord. We cried, then laughed, then thanked You for the blessings. That's all that I ask, tonight... for my eyes to be opened and solely focused on You and Your blessings.


In Jesus Name I pray,

Thursday, September 1, 2011


You are ever with me. You bless every step I take. You have made so much beauty out of tragic pain. Today, I ask you pour out Your spirit of discernment. I'm afraid I have let the enemy whisper in my ear, bringing confusion. You are NOT the author of confusion. Lord, guide my decisions and allow them to glorify You. You have gone before me. You have prepared the way, and you already direct my steps. I love You Lord!! I love you for things unspeakable. You have blessed me with the people you have placed on my road. Thank you for you undying love for your creation. I want wisdom. I want understanding. I want to be washed in Your Holy Spirit that ignites understanding, joy, peace, passion, love, POWER!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

In Jesus Name I pray,

1Psalm 34:18 (ESV) The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Corinthians 14:33 For God is not a God of confusion but of peace. As in all the churches of the saints,

Hebrews 5:14 But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.

Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

Philippians 1:9-10 (ESV) And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ,