My attempt at organization. :)

Thursday, May 5, 2011

I quit counting.

I made a call out on the FB today for some bloggy action. More specifically, hunting a single mother author with some inspiration entwined with her writing. Another need rearing its head. I was urged to write my own.

Ugh... not that I don't want to. I'm just lazy and wanted to read someone else's words instead of coming up with my own. After much debate today... and some prayer, I found myself on this "journal." I was a little embarrassed to share. Do I unshield myself and the few tear stained entries? I started this actual blog roughly 7 weeks ago, but I owe it to my PNP for introducing me to blogger 2 years ago. We wrote about roller derby together. ;)

Well, Im typing now, so maybe it will be ok. Maybe, I am learning to rely on Him in more areas than what I allow Him to help me with. I think its funny how I still try to put limits on God.

Well, if I'm the author that I was looking for, then lets get to it!

I've had the story of Dinah on the brain. Genesis 34 (I liked this reference because it comes with a commentary)

2 things stick out the most for me as a single woman:
1) Society (other than Dinah's family) thought it ok to rape women.
2) The man who raped her then wanted her as wife and "loved her" for what she could do for him.

I'm pretty much done with what society thinks is ok for me as a single mother and woman in general. Please excuse the vulgarities, but this was my reply to a man asking me to hook up just today: "i know the 'thing' to do is fuck everyone under the sun... or moon most times, especially after u find yourself out of the committed relationship u struggled to keep together, but i just dont seem to fit that trend"

Yeah, so me and the would be man of the house split. So that makes me the next available piece of meat in the market??? Ummmm nooooooo. And frankly, I'm just about sick of gaining a man's interest because of what I can do for him.

Which of course, leads me to #2.
I have had this so backwards!! I have NOTHING to offer God. Nothing. I can't sing, write, act, give, work, pray, or even love my way into heaven or a relationship with God. He picked me NOT because of what I can do for Him but because of what He did for me. What He can do for me now and what He will do for me eternally.

Yeah, it would be totally awesome to have a guy that rubs my feet or back, takes me to dinner or at least helps me cook, does dishes, takes out the trash, helps me with the kids in ANY way, even with scotch tape! (funny allusion to a friend's story on FB) Hell, it would be nice to have a guy that answers the phone when I call... or better, returns phone calls! It might even be kewl to get invited to hang out and bbq or be acknowledged as a human being period. But if its a false, fake something of an act, then its not worth it.


You know best of all what the past few weeks have been like for me. When work, home, matters of the heart, then some physical ailment beats down, emptying your patience and meekness bank account, you find yourself laid out on the pavement licking old emotional wounds. I quickly forget You are the best remedy. Thank You for never running out of patience and grace with me. Thank You for trusting me to be a single mother and carrying me through this road when all I saw was uncharted forest. Bless all eyes that fall on these words. Open hearts to You in a mighty way. I'm not sure if this is exactly the content I was searching, but I know for sure it is the comfort. Thank You always for that... a peace that surpasses all understanding.

In Jesus name,

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