uncut 2

I'm following in Deane's footsteps. She posted a confession over at Who is God?.

When I awoke, my mood was as foul as my breath. The thoughts that plagued me in August came back with some strength. I did well going through the motions of our morning routine. It was more than going through the motions... I gave smiles and attention to my children and stuffed the negatives down till I could deal with them during quiet time.

After dropping my daughter at school, I started the 25 minute journey to my son's daycare and my work. God, You were with me the whole time as I tossed thoughts of my son's father around. I tried to listen to the encouragement coming from air1 as I spoke out loud:

"I did better this weekend, right? The anxiety was much better. I didn't freak out internally, and I didn't respond to the Friday night texts about him drinking and talking ugly about me. Saturday was different, maybe because he was hungover, he was more emotionally vulnerable? Did I really sense something different or am I imagining it? It was back to the same anger on Sunday. I could feel his anger toward me. Am I still doing the right thing? I don't know what to pray for anymore. I don't think my prayers for him and his family are genuine anymore. My mouth professes blessings and guidence and peace while my heart expects news of a drunk driving accident and divorce. What do I pray for, Lord?"

So what do You do, God, when believers are on opposite sides of a situation, praying that You bless it the way they want? I know You fulfill Your will, but how do we know what that is when we can only see our side of the coin? Right now, I think of his sister, my son's aunt. I think of the anger and bitterness she carries. I think of how insecure and alone she feels everyday, and I know this is the driving force behind her actions... which makes me think, maybe she isn't a believer. They took a family photo, and her stepson was missing, again. Why? And their mother, my son's grandmother... I find myself remembering important actions and words from her that boomed her character, and I didn't understand it completely until now. What happened, Lord, that this family is so mean and artificial? I've seen them show love to people when its easy and there is a huge return for honor and credit.

Then, I think again that You can make anything new if You wanted. I prayed for his spiritual condition, but even that was only half-ass. I thought our relationship could be made new if You wanted, but then, he would never want to live and share in the life You chose for me and my children, would he? I've been thinking about that part a lot. The fact that You came in and took control of my life again. I get on fire for You and do my best to fulfill the work You lay before me, but then I don't let You be enough. I let my flesh take over and choose behavior that tears down the work You built in me just for my flesh to feel not alone.

I'm confessing to You that this is a huge, no HUGE struggle for me. I have my God, my kids, my family, my friends and fellow skaters all showing me how I am not alone, but its not enough according to my flesh. I want a mate, a companion. So if its not in Your will, I need to know stat. I need some peace about this. I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my hope and diligence to finally do this the right way. I feel ashamed even thinking, much less typing a sentence about wasting hope while I talk to You, the author of my faith and hope. God, You know my heart and mind well enough to know what kind of answer they need right now. If the answer is no companion, I will still strive in Your work. There is too much to do to walk away now, but I will know more about my place and what You have made me for.

Another part of this confession, I see couples working out their problems after being separated for some time, and I get such an intense mix of thankfulness and jealousy. I'm thankful because marriage and family are so important to me, but I get so jealous because I want that.

Even as I write, You remind me that some things must go through transformation before they come into fruition. You cannot tell a pregnant woman to give birth to her baby only 4 months into the pregnancy. The baby is not ready. You cannot tell a new seedling to produce its apple. It must first grow into a tree, flower, then produce its precious meat. You cannot tell the monarch butterfly to go home in January. Winter is not done; therefore, its migration cannot be interupted. There is a time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3), and I hope that in my waiting time, God reveals the details of His plan for me.