I haven't attended a service outside of my home for several months now. The last time I was in a church was during my dad's memorial service over a month ago. Not that I wouldn't attend anywhere, but I have developed a bit of a cleaning and "attending" services through the television routine for Sundays.
Everything that I heard was good. Except one thing. One thing that I can't figure out if I needed my toes stepped on or if it was another tactic from the enemy to distract me. An attempt to get me to doubt.
I can't remember which station I was on or even the preacher's name. (I'm not that good with names.) He was talking about choices that we make have consequences, good or bad. I agreed with all that he said about consequences, but then he called to "young ladies":
"If you have sex outside of marriage and find yourself a single mother, this is not God's will. This is a result of your stupidity."
Me and God have had many talks about my choices concerning the situation surrounding my son. I consider that boy a gift from God. He will officially be 16 months old on Tuesday. I know that my precious actions that led to conception were not what God had willed for me, but He gave me a baby... a life. If this life was not in His will, then why would He give him to me? Beauty for pain, right?
I know that the hurts I still feel today about the demise of the relationship are part of the consequences, yet I know I am forgiven. I am a stubborn child, so I know allowing God to align me to His will has been a slow process. I feel like it was the process that the enemy questioned, instigating my own questioning and feeding doubt. I've especially tried to behave as a child of God in the midst of this situation. I don't want to fight or stir up unnecessary strife.
This weekend was especially hard to hear this statement because me and the father are disagreeing again. It started Friday morning with him telling me what I was going to do for Thanksgiving... better yet, it was him telling me where my son was going to be. I am always excluded from anything family oriented, which is understandable. I get it. But don't tell me what I am going to do and not expect a rebuttal. After I stood up for myself (within the confines of our court order), he moved on to Christmas. Again, I stood my ground. Then, he started griping about the order itself and how much he didn't like it. This is the part where I may have let more emotion control my words, but without cussing, I reminded him that it was him that initiated the court processes that dealt the cards we were given. I stood up for myself. He used the "me being bitter about him not wanting to be with me" argument one too many times.
In the last leg of this journey, I have focused on "letting it go" and "God is enough" to actually heal some of my hearts wounds from this brokenness. In response to the above mentioned argument, I said, "You will never be able to give me what I need because you don't have what I need, and even if you did have it, you wouldn't give it. As much as it hurts, my eyes are open to that, and it makes letting you go easier. I am not angry about it anymore. I'm a little sad, but I am happier also because now I can focus on the something good that is to come. You cannot coerce me into getting your way anymore."
Later that day, I finally received trustworthy legal council. It was the first time in a year that I had someone genuinely interested in representing my voice. I also knew that I had started a new war by standing up for myself. We fought all weekend.
He had another 4 hour visitation today. I thought about what the preacher said as I waited for my son's father to arrive. I thought about it the entire time my son was gone. Obviously, I'm still chewing on this thought tonight.
I've also been doubting myself and my decisions the last few days. Am I being unreasonable? Am I simply picking a fight? I have been really nice, right? I've given above and beyond my obligations according to the order, right? Will any of that count for anything?
I said these doubts out loud of the weekend, sometimes receiving positive answers through friends. At one point, I asked God, "So what do I do now?" Keep praying. "Ok, so what do I pray for? I figured I had prayed enough for this." Just keep praying, Kendra "Okay."
So, I ran through my mind of all the things I would pray for when it came to his dad. I noticed that a good 80% of the themes had to do with us getting back together. The other 20% were a range of him having an easy and smooth time to draw him to You, Lord. So, the latter is where I am trying to stay. I'm asking that all eyes be opened and all sheep be brought back to the fold.
It is hard, but the peace in my heart seems worth it.
I also quit smoking cigarettes this week. Am I surprised by all the drama? Nooooooooo!!! ;)