My sacrifice, oh God, is a broken spirit; a broken and humbled heart you, God, will not despise.
I was introduced to Lisa Buffalo's Blog by a fellow blogging sister. Tracy, I'm still very blessed you instigated that introduction. The post, dated Aug. 20th asked the question: Is God enough?
When I first read, I knew the instant I was asked that God had not been enough for me. Not that He didn't want to be, but I had gotten really good at putting limits on Him. I still am on occasion.
So, I began to make changes that ensured God was enough. I chant it daily when Satan shows up along with other verses that instantaneously pop from my subconscious at just the right moment. (We all know that is really God pulling from what He has written on my heart.)
This morning, I stumbled across a post from Tracy asking, What are you facing today?
Well, its been a lot. I only thought I was under fire when just a few aspects of my life were under attack, but now, the war is everywhere I turn. Satan has attacked every part of my life, and I sit in ash and rubble. I'm dirty, confused, broken, betrayed, tear-stained, and weak while the enemy waits around for me to give up, taunting me with every lie my mind ever entertained.
My ability to counsel children has come into question. There is a future risk assessment. My bosses are backing me (another God thing), but it is ultimately lisencing's decision.
My mother is going after the inheritance left by my father's parents. He owed her child support, and it was in the works while he was alive, which I supported; however, now that he too has died, the Attorney General was ready to drop the case and let the inheritance go to the children. My mom does not agree with this decision and decided to pursue without our (the children's) knowledge. She told me, "I was going to talk to you, but well, you live there and your sister lives even further, so I knew that would never happen. Plus, the money has technically already been spent on what it took for me and your dad (my step dad) to raise you. Don't be mad."
Wow, I didn't know that parents were compensated when they dished out funds and provided for the children they created.
You see, I receive child support. I am so very thankful for the help that I get, but I've always had a different vision of what that would look like when God finally got me through school and into my career field. I set up savings accounts for the children, and the day I can provide for them through my income alone is the day their child support checks are only deposited into their accounts for their future...
This all happened Thursday of last week. Saturday, I drove an hour and a half to my sister's house. She has 4 kids. Two girls, 8 and 7, and 11 month old twins, a boy and girl. The babies didn't have clothes/jackets for the winter, and my sister has no extra funds, so that's what I did. I guess you can say I played momma to her again. I'm the oldest, and as much as she fights me on most things, she lets me play momma when our momma won't. I spent the night.
This morning, I didn't make it to church, and I did not have either of my bibles with me, so I searched my blogs and other internet sources for His word. Something that would help make sense of what has been happening or strengthen my armor. I was uplifted enough to contact my boss. She is a believer, and she listens when I say we are under spiritual attacks. We must be doing something great as we impact lives because Satan would not be as busy around us if we weren't. I told her, "I've been thinking a lot about divine placement, and I am reminded that God goes to battle for us. He is the victor."
I spent some time reflecting on another devotional received last week about encouragement. That Barnabas was named such because of his uplifting and encouraging encounters he had with people. I wanted to be like that, so this is what I spent most of the day doing. Until my son's dad dropped him off.
I was so proud of myself because I hadn't been dwelling on this situation. It would come to mind, and I would quickly dismiss thoughts, knowing that God has a plan in all this. When he dropped him off to me, he had his girlfriend in the truck with him for the first time. My heart hit the ground while the Holy Spirit guided a nonreactive reaction from me. I didn't say a word, or at least any unnecessary words. I didn't freak out on the outside. I didn't cry. I didn't cuss or scream... or at least in that moment. Not until they drove away and my son was being distracted by other children did I go outside to recover my heart and react.
I made it through the rest of practice, picked up my daughter from her dad's, and we came home. The kids are in bed, and I'm now sitting here with this sorrow. Sorrow for myself, my family, my close friends, and the people I work with daily. Friends, it is true when they say WE are the Kingdom of Heaven. WE are His hands and feet. When Satan cuts us off, God regenerates us in a way not thought possible.
My human brains tells me that my situation is hopeless, so its better to take the gun to the temple and pull the trigger. That is the best solution to end all this stupid life stuff.
My God tells me He is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. He tells me He has not given me a spirit of fear or timidity, but of LOVE and POWER and SELF-DISCIPLINE. He tells me that He loved me so much He gave His only son, and that whoever believes in Him should have ever-lasting life. God tells me that He is my God forever and ever; He will be my guide even unto death. God tells me that sorrow may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning.
God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God will help her at the dawn of morning.