Thursday, December 20, 2012
irritability challenge, pt 2
This was a difficult internal viewing. Let me start with a list of things I immediately noticed in others that irritated me:
lack of commitment
As I first created this list, it was easy to list the people or situations consisting of these irritating traits, but I'm not on the hunt for an external haughty attitude. My quest is to shine light on the dark places of my heart, exposing the festered place to YHWH's healing.
I hate when people just flat do not care... and yet, that is my best response when something hurts me or doesn't go my way. Facing troubles in the past, I would shoot my nose as high as it would go and pretend none of what was happening mattered. It was like telling the person doing the hurting or punishing, "Do what you want, you can't hurt me or get to me." But how productive does this response become when it creeps into other situations? Our behavioral responses become almost routine, and I know I have intertwined apathy into words that needed love and acceptance.
I am so selfish. I know I can give and help without expecting anything in return, but what about the days I demand a pat on the back for offering a ride or paying someone else's utility bill? I want the money spent my way, dinner cooked my way, laundry done my way. I should get to decide what happens to the last $20 of fun money. I don't mind sharing, but its always on my terms. I should get to hang out with my friends, work on the computer when I want, or not give as Yeshua would because that last dinner/dollar is for me and my family. I am very selfish.
This seems to hold hands with selfishness. I should get this, this shouldn't happen to me, people don't get the right to complicate my life. I should get to make decisions, how dare that person cut me off in traffic! Don't they know I was here first and we're late for girl scouts?! What makes me feel so important? What demonic spirit urges me to react in hostility when things don't go my way?! How much is my reaction related to me slipping away from the knowledge of YHWH's will?
lack of commitment
I've always considered myself a loyal and committed person. I'm loyal to my family, friends, study, sports, and any other engagements I've given my word to be at or help with. I cannot stand when someone neglects obligations they've taken on. I can't stand when the neglect stems from priorities not aligned as I see fit. As I reflect on this, I KNOW I have not been committed always to YHWH's will and truth for my life. Commitment to healthy living per God's instruction. I continually allow things like cigarettes to enter my life after He has asked for its removal.
Oh man... this grates on my nerves with my children. BUT, I'm the biggest whiner and complainer! I gripe so much! There is a real battle between my smile and scowl.
I had to walk away for some hours. The confrontation and exposure is needed for healing and correction, but I felt a harsher critic in there air taking on an ungodly form. As I return, I own my tendency to think I know more than most. Instead of hanging my head in a debilitating shame, I slightly smile like a child, awaiting loving correction.
This one makes me sad, especially when I see others wanting attention so bad, they're willing to receive negativity and punishment over nothing at all. I don't like too much attention either, but I do like approval. Any kind of attention that approves what I am doing or how I'm acting, I am all over it. And it is worldly approval, even from godly brothers and sisters, I seek more than God's approval.
Now, time for prayer and the Word.
to be continued...