"What does that mean?!"

That's been my dominant reaction in all life arenas lately.

This morning was no different. My thoughts chased each, labeling and connecting "unmatchable" pieces of stimulus. Troy, my now 14 month old son's father, still orchestrates much of that.

Some days, arguing and undermining negative thoughts is WORK!! So much so, that I "run out" of juice and need more gas. Another dose of something. Something, anything coming my way that God uses to let me know He's there.

I've been cry pleading with my arms to the sky. Asking why some more.

With not much drive behind me, I sat on my couch, bible and smokes in hand, thinking, "I don't even know where to start, Lord." I instantly heard "Ruth."

I've read Ruth many times. MANY! I fell in love with Ruth my freshman year in high school. 15 years old. I've almost doubled in age, today.

I read chp 1, noticing new details. 10 years. Ruth was married 10 years before she lost her husband. 10 years, and she had no children. Why? How old was she? 25 - 30? She refused to leave her mother-in-law alone. She knew she needed care. Could I have done that for his mom? "When she saw that she was stedfastly minded to go with her, then she left speaking unto her"... what did they talk about? Naomi was so bitter, she changed her name to Mara. I've been bitter.

2:10 Then she fell on her face, and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him, Why have I found grace in thine eyes, that thou shouldest take knowledge of me, seeing I am a stranger?

I don't have words for the connection this verse had to my heart. I cried. I asked God what this story had to do with my situation. You see, I still feel shame from MANY of my situations. I didn't want to hear the happy ending for this virtuous woman.

I leaned into the couch's back, closing my eyes and leaving the bible wear it lay.

A gentle, Keep reading, whispered.

3:11 And now, my daughter, fear not; I will do to thee all that thou requirest: for all the city of my people doth know that thou art a virtuous woman.

Then I followed this verses reference.

Proverbs 12:4
A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.

I've hear this phrase, virtuous woman, for many years. BUT WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!

Definition of VIRTUOUS 1: potent, efficacious 2 a : having or exhibiting virtue — (see virtue) b : morally excellent : righteous virtuous decision> 3: chaste — vir·tu·ous·ly adverb — vir·tu·ous·ness noun

Potent? What does potent have to do with virtue?

Definition of POTENT

1: having or wielding force, authority, or influence : powerful
2: achieving or bringing about a particular result : effective

3: a : chemically or medicinally effective potent vaccine>
b : rich in a characteristic constituent potent drink>

4: able to copulate —usually used of the male

— po·tent·ly adverb

Definition of VIRTUE

1: a : conformity to a standard of right : morality
b : a particular moral excellence

2 plural : an order of angels — see celestial hierarchy

3: a beneficial quality or power of a thing

4: manly strength or courage : valor

5: a commendable quality or trait : merit

6: a capacity to act : potency

7: chastity especially in a woman

— vir·tue·less adjective

— by virtue of or in virtue of

: through the force of : by authority of

Lord,
Thank you again. You mold me into this virtuous woman through my daily walk. I may not know exactly what that is supposed to look like, but You do. I ask that You continue to guide my steps and actions. I cannot control others. I do not have the ability to know their thoughts or motivations behind their behaviors. But I DO know mine. I have the ability to align my thoughts to Yours and believe what You tell me about myself. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for giving me strength. "For You have not given me a spirit of fear or timidness, but of Power, Love, and Self-Discipline. Thank You!!!

In Jesus Name,
Amen