My biological father overdosed on meth last week. I saw him on Thurs, Sept 15th. I'm preparing for another visit today.
I'm not sure what it will be like. I'm scared. I'm angry. The old pain and bitterness strive against love and peace for ownership of my heart.
I never had a relationship with him.
His parents, my grandparents are deceased; therefore, the responsibility of him and preparations for a possible funeral was left at my doorstep.
My heart cries, "So he gets to party himself to death while me and my younger siblings are left to clean up the mess."
I was reading blogs and verses when the theme of the morning hit me: When satan attacks, give it to God, the one who does battle for you.
I haven't prayed. My dad has been in my thoughts, but I haven't given it to God in prayer...
What do I pray for?! You know his health condition, and does it make a difference? I have nothing but anger and bitterness. The cynic born when I was 4 years old says it will not make a difference. All I can think of is the cost. When he gets out of the hospital (if he makes a healthy recovery), he will continue to use... won't he? I'm not one to put limits on You, Lord, but that's what I'm doing right now! Or is that his fate, his reality? Is this enough for a change? Is this the beginning of a real relationship with my father? Do I dare get my hopes up? I feel like that part of my trust is broken forever. But You can make anything new! So here I am, trying to let You work.... trying to be open and obedient to Your will. Stretch out Your hands on this situation. God, heal his heart and bring beauty from his pain. Maybe me and my siblings are the beauties from his family pain... Thank you, Lord for being the loving, merciful, and peaceful God that You are... my God!
In Jesus Name,