Im still feeling frustration.
But its coming from many areas in my life.
Towards the end of the day, I got a text from him asking about taking our son for the entire weekend....
The court order states that he has visitation every 1st, 3rd, and 5th. Standard, but he is to only have him four hours saturday, then the same for sunday...
I said no at first...
After some prayer and conversations with some important ladies in my life, I decided that an extended break would be good for me and my daughter. A little one on one time would be nice since I dont get much of that anymore with her.
But I havnt confirmed that yet. He didnt answer my text or call.
I really want to do the right thing without getting tangled up in the relationship aspect. If I keep my son from his father, I indirectly hurt my son. And its not that I want to keep him from having his visitations, but Im not sure I trust him to have my son that long without me around...
But I trust God.
I rely on Him to lead and direct my steps, words, actions...
Lord,
Thank you for another beautiful day. You answered my prayers in that me and the kids made it to the new church tonight without any hassle. Your word rings true again, "resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Thank you for the wonderful people you have placed in my life. Thank you for my beautiful children. Thank you for the kids I work with at the wesley... They really need to know your love, and I feel honored that You work through me to reach them. Your blessings are what keep us afloat in these troublesome times. I love YOU Lord! Continue Your work on me! Thank you for the fruits produced only by Your Spirit!
In Jesus name,
Amen!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Day 3
More of the anger is coming out.
At least on the road... I had three separate incidents of some idiot following behind so closely they nearly rear-ended me... with my baby in the back seat, no less.
Lets just say I did not have grace in my response.
I still have lots of anxiety. I have no fingernails, and I started smoking cigarettes again. Boo.
But this was in my inbox when I finally made it to work:
LORD, if you kept a record of our sins, who, O Lord, could ever survive? But you offer forgiveness, that we might learn to fear you.
Psalm 130:3-4
James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.
I receive these daily devotionals, and they seem to relate to some situation in my life EVERY TIME I read.
The first touched me because I know God allows me to be angry, but the way I have been venting is not pleasing to Him. He is so quick to forgive and love.
The second was like an invitation from Him. My heart and mind are arguing about the next move. The Lord is ready to guide me if I would simply ask and THEN follow. He can give me all the guidance I could ask for, but if I do not heed to this advice, there is more hurt or less healing. Plain and simple.
Lord,
Thank you for your constant love and guidance. Thank you for your chastisement. Thank you for your acceptance of me without perfection. You are perfect in my weakness. Thank you for my kids. You have given me amazing friends that have been faithfully praying for me in this situation as soon as they knew there was a problem. Thank you for showing me your love in the smallest of ways. Your presence is always known, even if I choose to neglect that. Thank you for derby. It helps me to feel strong and secure in the midst of my insecurities doubt. Mold me! Give me your eyes! Thank you for carrying me through this weakness. Thank you for your Son, Jesus Christ. Thank you for all things.
In Jesus name,
Amen
"Showers of blessings, showers of blessings we need! Mercy drops round us are falling, but for the showers we plead!"
At least on the road... I had three separate incidents of some idiot following behind so closely they nearly rear-ended me... with my baby in the back seat, no less.
Lets just say I did not have grace in my response.
I still have lots of anxiety. I have no fingernails, and I started smoking cigarettes again. Boo.
But this was in my inbox when I finally made it to work:
LORD, if you kept a record of our sins, who, O Lord, could ever survive? But you offer forgiveness, that we might learn to fear you.
Psalm 130:3-4
James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.
I receive these daily devotionals, and they seem to relate to some situation in my life EVERY TIME I read.
The first touched me because I know God allows me to be angry, but the way I have been venting is not pleasing to Him. He is so quick to forgive and love.
The second was like an invitation from Him. My heart and mind are arguing about the next move. The Lord is ready to guide me if I would simply ask and THEN follow. He can give me all the guidance I could ask for, but if I do not heed to this advice, there is more hurt or less healing. Plain and simple.
Lord,
Thank you for your constant love and guidance. Thank you for your chastisement. Thank you for your acceptance of me without perfection. You are perfect in my weakness. Thank you for my kids. You have given me amazing friends that have been faithfully praying for me in this situation as soon as they knew there was a problem. Thank you for showing me your love in the smallest of ways. Your presence is always known, even if I choose to neglect that. Thank you for derby. It helps me to feel strong and secure in the midst of my insecurities doubt. Mold me! Give me your eyes! Thank you for carrying me through this weakness. Thank you for your Son, Jesus Christ. Thank you for all things.
In Jesus name,
Amen
"Showers of blessings, showers of blessings we need! Mercy drops round us are falling, but for the showers we plead!"
Monday, March 28, 2011
Technically, Day 2
I broke things off with my baby's father, Troy on Saturday, 3/26/11. We have been through a lot in the last year.
We broke up.
Went to court.
Stopped fighting.
We were going to counseling.
Went to a transparenting class.
And then he just pulled his disappearing act on me again... or at least that's what it feels like.
BUT...
This time will be different. I will not gripe about how I was wronged or what he should or shouldn't have been doing.
INSTEAD...
I'm going to write about how God has been helping me through this time. I want to be more reliant on Him. Of course I want that godly man in my life, but I can't force it or mold something worldly into a pseudo-godly something. I have to become more godly myself. I have to let God do the molding.
My heart is very hurt, but it will heal. And only God can orchestrate that kind of healing. I want to be better for myself and my kids.
I have some goals that I have been thinking about:
-lose weight (drop 3 sizes)
-build endurance for skating
-organize my front room into a play area for me and the kids
-start paying my student loans
-buy a house (saving for 5 years to do so)
Lord,
You give me so much. The one thing that has helped me battle the negative thoughts are the blessings that surround me. I ask that you take the lust/desire for worldly things out of my heart as I battle and resist. Thank you for my little ones. Thank you for the clear thoughts You have given me. Help me to continue on that the path that aligns with Your will. You know where my heart is and where I have been. Give me your guidance as I work out a plan for us to attend services somewhere.
Thank you for the people you have placed in my life. I couldn't do this without the support of my mom, sisters, and friends. Some of the most amazing women I know... Bless each one today. Thank you again for everyting!
In you Son's name,
Amen.
We broke up.
Went to court.
Stopped fighting.
We were going to counseling.
Went to a transparenting class.
And then he just pulled his disappearing act on me again... or at least that's what it feels like.
BUT...
This time will be different. I will not gripe about how I was wronged or what he should or shouldn't have been doing.
INSTEAD...
I'm going to write about how God has been helping me through this time. I want to be more reliant on Him. Of course I want that godly man in my life, but I can't force it or mold something worldly into a pseudo-godly something. I have to become more godly myself. I have to let God do the molding.
My heart is very hurt, but it will heal. And only God can orchestrate that kind of healing. I want to be better for myself and my kids.
I have some goals that I have been thinking about:
-lose weight (drop 3 sizes)
-build endurance for skating
-organize my front room into a play area for me and the kids
-start paying my student loans
-buy a house (saving for 5 years to do so)
Lord,
You give me so much. The one thing that has helped me battle the negative thoughts are the blessings that surround me. I ask that you take the lust/desire for worldly things out of my heart as I battle and resist. Thank you for my little ones. Thank you for the clear thoughts You have given me. Help me to continue on that the path that aligns with Your will. You know where my heart is and where I have been. Give me your guidance as I work out a plan for us to attend services somewhere.
Thank you for the people you have placed in my life. I couldn't do this without the support of my mom, sisters, and friends. Some of the most amazing women I know... Bless each one today. Thank you again for everyting!
In you Son's name,
Amen.
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