I understood...

a new concept of time.

A broken hearted friend has intimately shared his pain of lost love for some months.

I remember early in the sharing and redirecting to positive thoughts, he said, "I just need to get my bike done, and then, I'll be ready to get out there again." I always thought and even asked him, "What does that have to do with finding someone? Why do you need the bike?"

I'm not so certain I received a "sufficient" answer until today.

Without knowing, he taught me that "finishing my bike" is another term for time. He needs time to refocus, recenter, recalculate who he was, his goals, other definitions he was attaching to concepts of love, loyalty, nurturing, communication, motivations, hurt, insecurity... I could go on.

It made me understand even more the work's importance I am doing NOW for Him. How important it is that I allow Him to define me through whatever moment. He taught me about time and refocus. Recenter.

Lord,

Thank You for your constant patience with me. I am such a stubborn child at times, not listening well. Thank You for always listening to me. Thank You for whispering in my ear the things You would have me know and understand. Thank You for the hard moments and the success You give me through them. Thank You for blessing me so much and the eyes and heart to see and acknowledge these blessings. Thank You for Your presence. You have so much to give and invite us to take freely! God, be with those that we talked about all week. Be with those whose eyes fall here. Be with those that do not know You and bring them true advocates of Your Son and Glory!!! Help us to be that advocate in our weakness. You know my heart and the thoughts in my mind. You know the spirit You gave to me. Thank You for the things you bless in my heart. I serve the living God! In Jesus Name, Amen.

shootin' from the hip

That's what I'm going to do in the post.

Its been a while since I've had opportunity to update or share. I have even been limited on reading and posting on other blogs that I love.

I'm so proud of you for following God's lead as He speaks to and through you. Thank you for your obedience to Him.

I've picked a 2012 verse mantra. (Thank you for the inspiration to do so, Tracy.)

Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

I have lost friends and gained friends.

The first day back to work from the holiday season, we were blessed with over $50,000 in grant money and donations. Because my hands helped with some of that work, I was personally blessed with an unexpected raise. And as hard as it is to say goodbye, I've moved to do termination with 6 of my clients. (I'm so proud of the work and growth they have accomplished!)

I've served on a disciplinary action committee and recommended saving a person's job. I will serve on another before the week's end.

I have watched a friend grow spiritually as she begins to listen for and answer God's calling in her life. And I was humbled as she shared some of the changes she is making in her life... changes in behavior that match my own yet had taken for granted.

God is also giving me a greater understanding of this gift He has given me. I honed in on this gift through my training as a counselor, but as my spirit excersises its faith muscles, He broadens my understanding of His discernment of spiritual knowledge. He has given me an ability to connect dots that are miles away with no apparent connection. I'm not sure that I would call it "prophecy," but I've been given knowledge or the ability to draw conclusions about situations that can ONLY come from above.

Something is coming. Something BIG. As believers, we see small miracles happen everyday. When a woman decides to keep her unborn child, it is a miracle to us. We acknowledge Him, but nonbelievers do not see these miracles as we do... but something BIG is coming. Some undeniable miracle from God is going to impact a lot of unbelievers in such a way that they will not be able to deny Him.

Believer and follower of Christ:
Do you have your armor on? Is it out of the closet, polished and ready for battle?! If not, you need to be ready. Something BIG is coming. And because our God is bringing the big guns of love, you can garuantee that our enemy will be lashing out full force.

There are groups that operate soley for the destruction of God and the exhaltation of our enemy. Are you ready? Are you loving? Are you praying? Are you building your armor from His Word?! We serve the living God. Something BIG is coming. Are you prepared to do battle? Are you ready for the frontlines of faith?

Look among the nations and watch. Be utterly astounded! For I will work a work in your days which you would not believe, though it were told to you. -Habakkuk 1:5

faith

I found my charm bracelet while cleaning my room today. It stirred my heart. I paused my chores and hunted a bible. I thought it laying on verses would provide a pretty picture.

God is so good. The first picture was not planned. I flipped it toward the middle, layed the bracelet down, and took the photo. It was after that I noticed what verses it lay on. :)

This verse in Hebrews came to mind, so this shot was more "staged."

I have no doubt that I have faith. Jesus in the author and finisher of my faith, so its not of me. Its easier to believe its there without flaw knowing its from and controlled and grown in His hands.

Its my faithfulness that needs a work out.

My faithfulness to the seemingly little things:

-daily quiet time in His word

-hugging and kissing my children
-loving myself as He loves me

-letting go daily

-NOT yelling

-patience

-chores and decluttering

-accepting opportunities to be a blessing

-refusing to be negative, no matter how satisfying it is in the moment

-serving my home and children like I serve in the world... daily

-lead my children to Him daily as we wait for a godly man to lead us

-skating for Him and not my glory

-believing Him and the wisdom He reveals to me... in every moment.

the gift I didn't want to send

I was listening to air1 last week at work. Between music breaks, the discussion's theme was not getting offended and reaching out to those that hurt you. A woman caller shared her story of purchasing a gift for "the other woman." He husband had had an affair that brought a new child into this family's life. She purchased a gift to the woman and her child.

I prayed for her, admitting that I could not do the same.

Then, another woman called. A similar story. There was no child, but there was an affair, and this woman reached out to "the other woman" because, "If she didn't know Christ, maybe me reaching out to her would help minister to her in a godly way."

As I began to pray for this woman, it hit me...

God wanted me to do something similar.

I instantly began to cry and protest, "No. I can't do this. No. Why do I have to do this?!"

He reminded me of the plea I had written the day before, asking Him to reveal His plan to me.

I argued for a good hour. I made excuses, reminded Him of the hurt they inflicted, and insisted this was not what I had asked for.

He reminded me of how precious His children are... even when they fight.

As I walked out to warm up the car before retrieving my son, I finally caved and said in my heart, "Okay, but I can only do this with Your help. I don't know what to do, and I don't want them to know that I had any part of this. I want to stay anonymous." He let me, assuring me He would show me what to do.

After picking up the kids, I met a couple and the pizza man at my house. My friend had received some heartbreaking news about her grandmother. She was not given much time. So, I fed them and loved on them. We sat together, eating and watching tv when I saw a commercial for the product I was to send. I knew what He wanted as He tugged at my heart again. This time, He told me to add her sister. I cried again, silently to myself in the bathroom because I did not want my friend to see and worry. I regained composure to finish the night. They left, and God's plan began to transpire.

Another friend came over, and I sent her to the ATM since my kids were in bed sleeping. As she did that, I made online arrangements for the other part of the gifts. I put "From God" and let Him lead me to the psalm that would accompany the gifts. I had my friend write the necessary information to send the gift to a neutral, godly place that would ensure further delivery.

As I sat, still debating if I should do this, my friend and I spoke about what this ultimately was.

I don't live life in black and white. I have pushed the limits of gray ALL my life. This day was the first time I had ever seen a black or white decision. I could choose to serve myself and allow my flesh to be satisfied in my bitterness, or I could choose to trust and follow God in His request. He wanted me to trust Him. Period. It wasn't about the people I gifted to, it wasn't about the money invested into these gifts, it wasn't about my vengeance or justification. It was simply about following the living God. I cried again as I sealed the envelope.

Satan was there, filling my mind with negative visions that sliced my heart, but God was also there, whispering His peace and asking for my trust.

The next day, I called the business to ensure confidentiality. I got no answer, so I left a message. I went through the rest of my morning and called again. I introduced myself and told the woman about the message I had left this morning.

Her voice instantly changed. She said, "Oh yes! I looked at your online purchase, and I just have to say, I love what you are doing. I think this is such a beautiful idea."

My guilt hit my tummy, and I said, "I don't take any credit for this. Please believe me when I say God did this all on His own." God was showing me how the decision was affecting someone not directly involved with the situation. She assured me confidentiality.

Later, I picked up my daughter from early release, and we headed to the post office. As I dropped the package, I said, "Okay God, I did what You wanted. Its in Your hands now."

My daughter asked, "What did you do? Why did you say that to God?"

I wasn't even thinking about her being in the car with me as I finished His request. I instantly started crying and sharing with her what God asked me to do. She smiled ever so sweetly and said, "We are gonna get something big for that."

I cried even more, hugged her, and told her how right she was. Another life already affected.

Lord,

You amaze me with Your great blessing. You fill me with something no other thing can. You are my creator and savior. I serve the living God. I'm not sure what will happen, but I trust You. Thank You for working on this sinner, making me a worthy servant for You. I know I don't do everything right, but because You worked through me, You allowed me to be the person that got it right this time. You know my heart and the hurt it still carries. Thank You for leading me out of my comfort zone in search of true healing that only comes from You. Thank you, Jesus, for the suffering You endured for me and all other sinners that accept Your precious gift. You paid the ultimate price. The little I have sacrificed and endured is nothing compared to what You do for me. Thank You. Thank You for revealing Yourself to my precious girl. Fill my tongue with words of praise. I love You only because You first loved me.

In Jesus Name, Amen.

uncut 2

I'm following in Deane's footsteps. She posted a confession over at Who is God?.

When I awoke, my mood was as foul as my breath. The thoughts that plagued me in August came back with some strength. I did well going through the motions of our morning routine. It was more than going through the motions... I gave smiles and attention to my children and stuffed the negatives down till I could deal with them during quiet time.

After dropping my daughter at school, I started the 25 minute journey to my son's daycare and my work. God, You were with me the whole time as I tossed thoughts of my son's father around. I tried to listen to the encouragement coming from air1 as I spoke out loud:

"I did better this weekend, right? The anxiety was much better. I didn't freak out internally, and I didn't respond to the Friday night texts about him drinking and talking ugly about me. Saturday was different, maybe because he was hungover, he was more emotionally vulnerable? Did I really sense something different or am I imagining it? It was back to the same anger on Sunday. I could feel his anger toward me. Am I still doing the right thing? I don't know what to pray for anymore. I don't think my prayers for him and his family are genuine anymore. My mouth professes blessings and guidence and peace while my heart expects news of a drunk driving accident and divorce. What do I pray for, Lord?"

So what do You do, God, when believers are on opposite sides of a situation, praying that You bless it the way they want? I know You fulfill Your will, but how do we know what that is when we can only see our side of the coin? Right now, I think of his sister, my son's aunt. I think of the anger and bitterness she carries. I think of how insecure and alone she feels everyday, and I know this is the driving force behind her actions... which makes me think, maybe she isn't a believer. They took a family photo, and her stepson was missing, again. Why? And their mother, my son's grandmother... I find myself remembering important actions and words from her that boomed her character, and I didn't understand it completely until now. What happened, Lord, that this family is so mean and artificial? I've seen them show love to people when its easy and there is a huge return for honor and credit.

Then, I think again that You can make anything new if You wanted. I prayed for his spiritual condition, but even that was only half-ass. I thought our relationship could be made new if You wanted, but then, he would never want to live and share in the life You chose for me and my children, would he? I've been thinking about that part a lot. The fact that You came in and took control of my life again. I get on fire for You and do my best to fulfill the work You lay before me, but then I don't let You be enough. I let my flesh take over and choose behavior that tears down the work You built in me just for my flesh to feel not alone.

I'm confessing to You that this is a huge, no HUGE struggle for me. I have my God, my kids, my family, my friends and fellow skaters all showing me how I am not alone, but its not enough according to my flesh. I want a mate, a companion. So if its not in Your will, I need to know stat. I need some peace about this. I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my hope and diligence to finally do this the right way. I feel ashamed even thinking, much less typing a sentence about wasting hope while I talk to You, the author of my faith and hope. God, You know my heart and mind well enough to know what kind of answer they need right now. If the answer is no companion, I will still strive in Your work. There is too much to do to walk away now, but I will know more about my place and what You have made me for.

Another part of this confession, I see couples working out their problems after being separated for some time, and I get such an intense mix of thankfulness and jealousy. I'm thankful because marriage and family are so important to me, but I get so jealous because I want that.

Even as I write, You remind me that some things must go through transformation before they come into fruition. You cannot tell a pregnant woman to give birth to her baby only 4 months into the pregnancy. The baby is not ready. You cannot tell a new seedling to produce its apple. It must first grow into a tree, flower, then produce its precious meat. You cannot tell the monarch butterfly to go home in January. Winter is not done; therefore, its migration cannot be interupted. There is a time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3), and I hope that in my waiting time, God reveals the details of His plan for me.

Proverbs 18:10

Proverbs 18:10

The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to Him and are safe.

I painted this as a birthday gift for a friend in 2008. This is my first Scripture & a Snapshot, and while reading the "rules," the painting came to mind.




(Found at:)

God's love connects us.

Connected.

To the web. To people. It reminds me of that cartoon with the guy hugging his computer and saying, "My friends are in there..." or something like that.

I feel that way in the blogosphere most days. Especially when I follow God's lead to another chosen helper's words. I love stories of mess and imperfection. I feel like they are telling an altered version of my story. Altered in their personal way, yet connected to mine.

He keeps us connected. If we are the hands and feet, that that's to be expected, right?

My body likes to connect with others as they tell me about their pain. I can feel it... and it hurts, making me want to stop them mid sentence and hug them or shake their hand. I want to ask them how they are here standing in front of me to tell.

Then, I think of how I made it there to listen and reciprocate sharing. He brought me here... and you. If this was an accident, then why is He here too... because "where 2 or more are gathered in Mine Name, there I am also." I'm glad were here under this wing of protection, learning things of more value than tangible treasure.

I'm so thankful He connects me to His love. It makes me consider walking in the shoes of those less desirable. It helps me understand the hurts and bitterness they carry, and my smile's caliber of importance... because its not mine but His smile... and His love... and His connectedness.



"A love that's not relevant but revolutionary." -Press Play

Linking with Gypsy Mama for 5 Minute Friday.