the gift I didn't want to send

I was listening to air1 last week at work. Between music breaks, the discussion's theme was not getting offended and reaching out to those that hurt you. A woman caller shared her story of purchasing a gift for "the other woman." He husband had had an affair that brought a new child into this family's life. She purchased a gift to the woman and her child.

I prayed for her, admitting that I could not do the same.

Then, another woman called. A similar story. There was no child, but there was an affair, and this woman reached out to "the other woman" because, "If she didn't know Christ, maybe me reaching out to her would help minister to her in a godly way."

As I began to pray for this woman, it hit me...

God wanted me to do something similar.

I instantly began to cry and protest, "No. I can't do this. No. Why do I have to do this?!"

He reminded me of the plea I had written the day before, asking Him to reveal His plan to me.

I argued for a good hour. I made excuses, reminded Him of the hurt they inflicted, and insisted this was not what I had asked for.

He reminded me of how precious His children are... even when they fight.

As I walked out to warm up the car before retrieving my son, I finally caved and said in my heart, "Okay, but I can only do this with Your help. I don't know what to do, and I don't want them to know that I had any part of this. I want to stay anonymous." He let me, assuring me He would show me what to do.

After picking up the kids, I met a couple and the pizza man at my house. My friend had received some heartbreaking news about her grandmother. She was not given much time. So, I fed them and loved on them. We sat together, eating and watching tv when I saw a commercial for the product I was to send. I knew what He wanted as He tugged at my heart again. This time, He told me to add her sister. I cried again, silently to myself in the bathroom because I did not want my friend to see and worry. I regained composure to finish the night. They left, and God's plan began to transpire.

Another friend came over, and I sent her to the ATM since my kids were in bed sleeping. As she did that, I made online arrangements for the other part of the gifts. I put "From God" and let Him lead me to the psalm that would accompany the gifts. I had my friend write the necessary information to send the gift to a neutral, godly place that would ensure further delivery.

As I sat, still debating if I should do this, my friend and I spoke about what this ultimately was.

I don't live life in black and white. I have pushed the limits of gray ALL my life. This day was the first time I had ever seen a black or white decision. I could choose to serve myself and allow my flesh to be satisfied in my bitterness, or I could choose to trust and follow God in His request. He wanted me to trust Him. Period. It wasn't about the people I gifted to, it wasn't about the money invested into these gifts, it wasn't about my vengeance or justification. It was simply about following the living God. I cried again as I sealed the envelope.

Satan was there, filling my mind with negative visions that sliced my heart, but God was also there, whispering His peace and asking for my trust.

The next day, I called the business to ensure confidentiality. I got no answer, so I left a message. I went through the rest of my morning and called again. I introduced myself and told the woman about the message I had left this morning.

Her voice instantly changed. She said, "Oh yes! I looked at your online purchase, and I just have to say, I love what you are doing. I think this is such a beautiful idea."

My guilt hit my tummy, and I said, "I don't take any credit for this. Please believe me when I say God did this all on His own." God was showing me how the decision was affecting someone not directly involved with the situation. She assured me confidentiality.

Later, I picked up my daughter from early release, and we headed to the post office. As I dropped the package, I said, "Okay God, I did what You wanted. Its in Your hands now."

My daughter asked, "What did you do? Why did you say that to God?"

I wasn't even thinking about her being in the car with me as I finished His request. I instantly started crying and sharing with her what God asked me to do. She smiled ever so sweetly and said, "We are gonna get something big for that."

I cried even more, hugged her, and told her how right she was. Another life already affected.

Lord,

You amaze me with Your great blessing. You fill me with something no other thing can. You are my creator and savior. I serve the living God. I'm not sure what will happen, but I trust You. Thank You for working on this sinner, making me a worthy servant for You. I know I don't do everything right, but because You worked through me, You allowed me to be the person that got it right this time. You know my heart and the hurt it still carries. Thank You for leading me out of my comfort zone in search of true healing that only comes from You. Thank you, Jesus, for the suffering You endured for me and all other sinners that accept Your precious gift. You paid the ultimate price. The little I have sacrificed and endured is nothing compared to what You do for me. Thank You. Thank You for revealing Yourself to my precious girl. Fill my tongue with words of praise. I love You only because You first loved me.

In Jesus Name, Amen.