heartache

My heart is incredibly sad today, and I'm finding a hard thing to shake it off. I still have my own painful stuff in my life:

my grandmother's death
my dad's death
my sister's story of abuse
my broken home
my unrequited love
my strained relationship with my pubescent daughter

And I'm also a counselor. My specialty is play therapy with children, but I work with adults also. I am saddened because we had another one. A new one today. A life touched by the sexual abuse plague. A 5 year old boy. Yesterday, it was a 4 year old girl and a 40+ year old woman whose abuse began when she was 5. All of my clients right now have been effected by child sexual abuse, and I am so angry about it, I want to strap on the ninja assassin gear and take justice into my own hands. But really, anger is the secondary reaction.

I am in pain. My heart is breaking all over the place. I never wanted to work with these clients. Its too close to home. BUT ITS EVERYWHERE!!!

I asked my colleague if we would ever get to a place where it wouldn't feel like a back-handed slap to the face when a new tale of horror found its way to us. We both agreed that point does not exist for us.

So now, I'm crying so bad, I can't see the computer screen.

Father,
Please hurry and come. Protect these innocent children! Give me the words to comfort them. Give me the strength and words for their parents. Please, God... let their parents believe them when they find the courage to tell. Let there be a safe person in their lives that will protect them. Heal them physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Let them know they are Your precious jewels worthy of true love.

In Jesus Name I pray,
Amen

My dad's bible.

Sitting outside, I spoke with the man my grandmother assigned as executor of her estate. It had been hours since watching my father pass. I had a memory of finding my uncle's bible in a spare bedroom after my grandmother's death just weeks before. We came to help clean the hoarded mess. I shared my memory which led to my request: "I'm not sure if my dad has a bible like the one I saw, but if there is one, I want it.

I have memories of me and my sister sitting in church with our parents. I remembered watching my dad underline, write, and mark his bible. I knew there was a good chance that if one turned up, it may not be the same bible. I didn't care. I knew the marking habit would still be there. I wanted to see what pieces of God's word impacted him. What spoke to him?

5 days later, I sit in front of a computer screen and the bible my uncle pulled from the very few possessions my dad had left on this earth. The open cover reads: "Presented to Carl McClure by Pastor Timothy Lapp, December 22, 1985."

I was 3 years and 3 months old when this bible came into our lives. The first verse I found underlined:

Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

In his handwriting: "When we quit waiting, we stop growing spiritually."

Then my next random flip landed me on a verse I read just this morning.

Proverbs 2:6

For the Lord giveth wisdom: out of his mouth cometh knowledge and understanding.

Lord,

You know my broken heart. Thank you for leading me through this storm. I'm stranded on an island, shipwrecked. This is the perfect time for me to come into Your rest. Let me rest In You, renewing my strength. Allow your Spirit to flow through this impaired vessel, making me whole. Thank you, God. Thank you for my Jesus!

In Jesus Name I pray,

Amen.

"Stretch out you hand"

I watched my father die, Monday.

Last night, I felt that urge to read my bible. I ALWAYS associate that pull as God telling me He has something for me.

I immediately started crying arguing with Him:

"I don't want to only because I don't want to hear about being a virtuous woman. I'm sick of being told I need to be patient. I'm sick of being compassionate. I'm tired of hearing we must be merciful, forgiving, and loving to people who have nothing but the opposite for me. I'm tired of being strong. God, I don't want to hear any of that. I will read Your book, but I need something else. I don't even know if I'm allowed to ask for that or say these things, but I can't listen to any of that other stuff tonight. Not tonight..."


Mark 3:1-5
And He entered the synagogue again, and a man was there who had a withered hand. So they watched Him closely, whether He would heal him on the Sabbath, so that they might accuse Him. And He said to the man who had the withered hand, "Step forward." Then He said to them, "Is it lawful on the Sabbath to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill?" But they kept silent. And when He had looked around at them with anger, being grieved by the hardness of their hearts, He said to the man, "Stretch out your hand." And he stretched it out, and his hand was restored as whole as the other.


Being grieved by the hardness of their hearts...

God needed me to know that He was sad about those who had hardened their hearts toward me, but that He still needed me to "stretch out my hand" and receive the healing He has to offer.

"What does that mean?!"

That's been my dominant reaction in all life arenas lately.

This morning was no different. My thoughts chased each, labeling and connecting "unmatchable" pieces of stimulus. Troy, my now 14 month old son's father, still orchestrates much of that.

Some days, arguing and undermining negative thoughts is WORK!! So much so, that I "run out" of juice and need more gas. Another dose of something. Something, anything coming my way that God uses to let me know He's there.

I've been cry pleading with my arms to the sky. Asking why some more.

With not much drive behind me, I sat on my couch, bible and smokes in hand, thinking, "I don't even know where to start, Lord." I instantly heard "Ruth."

I've read Ruth many times. MANY! I fell in love with Ruth my freshman year in high school. 15 years old. I've almost doubled in age, today.

I read chp 1, noticing new details. 10 years. Ruth was married 10 years before she lost her husband. 10 years, and she had no children. Why? How old was she? 25 - 30? She refused to leave her mother-in-law alone. She knew she needed care. Could I have done that for his mom? "When she saw that she was stedfastly minded to go with her, then she left speaking unto her"... what did they talk about? Naomi was so bitter, she changed her name to Mara. I've been bitter.

2:10 Then she fell on her face, and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him, Why have I found grace in thine eyes, that thou shouldest take knowledge of me, seeing I am a stranger?

I don't have words for the connection this verse had to my heart. I cried. I asked God what this story had to do with my situation. You see, I still feel shame from MANY of my situations. I didn't want to hear the happy ending for this virtuous woman.

I leaned into the couch's back, closing my eyes and leaving the bible wear it lay.

A gentle, Keep reading, whispered.

3:11 And now, my daughter, fear not; I will do to thee all that thou requirest: for all the city of my people doth know that thou art a virtuous woman.

Then I followed this verses reference.

Proverbs 12:4
A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.

I've hear this phrase, virtuous woman, for many years. BUT WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!

Definition of VIRTUOUS 1: potent, efficacious 2 a : having or exhibiting virtue — (see virtue) b : morally excellent : righteous virtuous decision> 3: chaste — vir·tu·ous·ly adverb — vir·tu·ous·ness noun

Potent? What does potent have to do with virtue?

Definition of POTENT

1: having or wielding force, authority, or influence : powerful
2: achieving or bringing about a particular result : effective

3: a : chemically or medicinally effective potent vaccine>
b : rich in a characteristic constituent potent drink>

4: able to copulate —usually used of the male

— po·tent·ly adverb

Definition of VIRTUE

1: a : conformity to a standard of right : morality
b : a particular moral excellence

2 plural : an order of angels — see celestial hierarchy

3: a beneficial quality or power of a thing

4: manly strength or courage : valor

5: a commendable quality or trait : merit

6: a capacity to act : potency

7: chastity especially in a woman

— vir·tue·less adjective

— by virtue of or in virtue of

: through the force of : by authority of

Lord,
Thank you again. You mold me into this virtuous woman through my daily walk. I may not know exactly what that is supposed to look like, but You do. I ask that You continue to guide my steps and actions. I cannot control others. I do not have the ability to know their thoughts or motivations behind their behaviors. But I DO know mine. I have the ability to align my thoughts to Yours and believe what You tell me about myself. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for giving me strength. "For You have not given me a spirit of fear or timidness, but of Power, Love, and Self-Discipline. Thank You!!!

In Jesus Name,
Amen

thank You

14. blogging - reading and writing
15. flamingos
16. Muddy Buddies Chex Mix
17. volleyball
18. birthday parties
19. diaper rash cream
20. Benedryl
21. honesty
22. windless and still afternoons

Lord,

I can't say that I'm cold, but I'm not sure that I am completely connected to the reality of the circumstances. I'm not sure what to do, but I KNOW YOU ARE ENOUGH! You bless me at every turn, within each moment. Sometimes, I think we find peace once we uncover the root pain. I ask that You keep me and him in tune with our pain. Not to dwell in it, but to let You have it, choosing to dwell in Your peace. Please, make him aware. Keep him from hiding from it. Help me to continue responding with peace and love. Fill me with Your spirit. Thank you for loving me always.

In Jesus Name,
Amen.

I havn't prayed.

My biological father overdosed on meth last week. I saw him on Thurs, Sept 15th. I'm preparing for another visit today.

I'm not sure what it will be like. I'm scared. I'm angry. The old pain and bitterness strive against love and peace for ownership of my heart.

I never had a relationship with him.

His parents, my grandparents are deceased; therefore, the responsibility of him and preparations for a possible funeral was left at my doorstep.

My heart cries, "So he gets to party himself to death while me and my younger siblings are left to clean up the mess."

I was reading blogs and verses when the theme of the morning hit me: When satan attacks, give it to God, the one who does battle for you.

I haven't prayed. My dad has been in my thoughts, but I haven't given it to God in prayer...

Lord,

What do I pray for?! You know his health condition, and does it make a difference? I have nothing but anger and bitterness. The cynic born when I was 4 years old says it will not make a difference. All I can think of is the cost. When he gets out of the hospital (if he makes a healthy recovery), he will continue to use... won't he? I'm not one to put limits on You, Lord, but that's what I'm doing right now! Or is that his fate, his reality? Is this enough for a change? Is this the beginning of a real relationship with my father? Do I dare get my hopes up? I feel like that part of my trust is broken forever. But You can make anything new! So here I am, trying to let You work.... trying to be open and obedient to Your will. Stretch out Your hands on this situation. God, heal his heart and bring beauty from his pain. Maybe me and my siblings are the beauties from his family pain... Thank you, Lord for being the loving, merciful, and peaceful God that You are... my God!

In Jesus Name,
Amen

Pain

^{Psalm 73:
16} When I thought how to understand this,
It was too painful for me—
¹⁷ Until I went into the sanctuary of God;
Then I understood their end.

Jeremiah 15:
¹⁸ Why is my pain perpetual
And my wound incurable,
Which refuses to be healed?
Will You surely be to me like an unreliable stream,
As waters that fail?
²⁰ And I will make you to this people a fortified bronze wall;
And they will fight against you,
But they shall not prevail against you;
For I am with you to save you
And deliver you,” says the LORD.

Hebrews12:
¹¹ Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
(The Message ends that verse with: ...for it's the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.)

Revelation21:
⁴ And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”

Jeremiah 15:
¹⁶ Your words were found, and I ate them,
And Your word was to me the joy and rejoicing of my heart;
For I am called by Your name,
O LORD God of hosts.

Lord,
There are so many in PAIN.
I use the bigger font because as I started this, I felt overwhelmed by it. My heart cries for its own wounds and others' freshly cut scarred tissue. A dear friend asked towards the sky, "Why? Is it because of this..." My heart echoed a similar plea.
You bless us, Lord. We cried, then laughed, then thanked You for the blessings. That's all that I ask, tonight... for my eyes to be opened and solely focused on You and Your blessings.

YOU, MY GOD, ARE ENOUGH...

In Jesus Name I pray,
Amen